Laughing Gas Read Online Free PDF Page A

Many of my happiest evenings have been spent as the guest of people who didn't know me from Adam and hadn't a notion I was there. But, by an odd chance, I'm not gate-crashing to-night. I was brought here. What did you say that name was? April —?' ‘ June.'
    'That's right. It all comes back to me. My fiance e is April June's press agent, and she brought me here.'
    I felt that this was a good opportunity of tackling this fiancee business. I had been wondering how to bring it up.
    'I wanted to talk to you about that.'
    'About what?'
    'About this engagement of yours.'
    I spoke pretty crisply, with a goodish amount of head-of-the-family-ness, for the old conscience was prodding me a bit. I felt I had been letting Horace Plimsoll and my Aunt Clara down rather badly. I mean to say, they had sent me out here to find this bird and reason with him, and I had been out here a week without giving him a single thought. Since I had got off the train at Los Angeles he had absolutely passed from my mind. It just shows what love can do to you.
    He weighed the remark carefully.
    'Engagement?'
    'Yes.'
    *My engagement?' 'Yes.'
    'What about it?'
    'Well, what about it?'
    'Happiest man in the world.'
    'Aunt Clara isn't.'
    'This Aunt Clara being who?'
    'Your mother.'
    'Oh, the mater? Yes, I know her. Shou ld we drink to the mater?' 'No.’
    'Just as you say. Though it seems a bit uncivil. Well, what's wrong with the mater? Why isn't she the happiest man in the world?'
    'Because she's worrying herself pallid about you.' 'Good Lord, why? I'm all right.'
    'What the devil do you mean, you're all right? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You go sneaking off to Hollywood, and I find you here, mopping up the stuff like a vacuum cleaner ...'
    'Aren't you being a bit pompous, old man?'
    The point was well taken. I was, of course. But it seemed to me that pomposity was of the essence. I mean to say, you can't tick a bloke off properly unless you come over a bit mid-Victorian.
    'I don't care if I am. You make me sick.'
    A look of pain came into his face.
    'Is this Reginald Havershot speaking?' he said reproachfully. 'My cousin Reginald, who on New Year's Eve two years ago, in the company of myself and old Stinker Pomeroy, broke twenty-three glasses at the Cafe del'Europe and was thrown out kicking and screaming—'
    I checked him with a cold gesture. My great love had purified me so intensely that it was loathsome to me to listen to these reminiscences of what had happened to my baser self two years ago.
    'Never mind that,' I said. 'I want to know about this business of yours. How long have you been engaged?'
    'Oh, a certain time.'
    'And are you going to get married?'
    'My dear chap, that's the whole idea.'
    It was a little difficult to know what to say. Old Plimsoll had told me to exercise my authority, but I didn't see how it was to be done. Eggy had plenty of money of his own. If I had threatened to cut him off without a shilling, he would simply have asked to be shown the shilling, pocketed it, thanked me, and carried on according to plan.
    'Well, if you're going to get married,' I said, 'you'd better stop drinking.' He shook his head.
    'You don't understand, old man. I can't stop drinking.
    I have a shrewd idea that this girl got engaged to me in order to reform me, and pretty silly she would feel if I went and reformed on my own. You can see how it would discourage her. Probably she would lose interest and chuck me. You've got to think of these things, you know. The way I look at it, the safe, sane, and sound policy is to keep reasonably pie-eyed till after the ceremony and then sober up by degrees during the honeymoon.'
    It was a theory, of course, but I hadn't time to go into it then.
    'Who is this girl you're engaged to?'
    'Her name is ...' He paused, and his brow wrinkled. 'Her name ... Now, if you had asked me that an hour ago - nay, even half an hour ago ... Ah!' he said, perking up. 'Here she comes in person. She'll be able to tell us.'
    He