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coveted her as not one of but The pearl of great price
    much to my avail as she had little libidinous interest in me
    to my great wonder and misfortune
    I will divulge this as my incidental role
    in the Creation of Sex for the first time in public
    She could have read me
    the Tale of the Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah
    or the genealogical begettings of the antediluvian patriarchs
    and I would have got a hard on
    Now as a result of your silence
    I assume you have no further questions this morning
    Mister Klogphorne
    is that where the story my daddy tells
    about your stob came from?
    Young reverend
    I did not know that event had trickled down
    like the understanding of federal taxes
    to the ears of Garza County Republican youth
    I am embarrassed it has come to you
    in a potentially contaminated form
    therefore I will tell you the entire veracious rendition
    of that epic tale complete and unembellished
    I was in Maxine Durrant’s store purchasing a transparent negligee
    for my wife’s recurrent twenty-ninth birthday
    with expectations of forthcoming exhibition and rejoinder
    when Miss Durrant made a comment upon the low riding condition
    of my trousers saying I believe verbatim, Billy
    one of these days your britches are going to fall down to your knees
    I can’t imagine what holds them up
    whereupon I in Biblical language divinely inspired saith unto her
    Maxine, of all people on earth
    I would have thought you would know
    I have a stob that holds them up
    since you are the one who made me aware of it
    What happened then
    Mister Klogphorne?
    Why of course
    without further ado she took my money, gift wrapped the package
    in a manner harbingering pomp and circumstance
    and upon my leaving locked the door, pulled down the shades
    and I would fervently wish declared first call
    then poured herself a libation before Aphrodite
    At least I have faith and hope that is factual
    Is there anything else?
    Brother Klogphorne
    who was Lamech?
    Who was Lamech?
    Young Master Ivins of the whiplash Epimethian focus
    you will need to ask your grandparents
    as those legendary citizens from these parts
    probably knew him
    since he lived over to Justiceburg
    as they might say in unspoiled Texanese
    Lamech lived at Justiceburg?
    Texas?
    Young fellers
    Acolytes Nutt and Newberry I believe
    who do you think wrote the Bible?
    Haven’t you heard of Eden
    and Palestine, Texas? Titus, Trinity and Godley counties?
    The Bible was written by, for and about people
    not just made up nonsense dictated out of thin air
    Of course Lamech Johnston lived out south of Justiceburg
    married Rayola Owens and then
    Pearl Rae Higgins of the substantial bosoms
    after her mama threw her out of the house for stealing
    the secret of her daddy’s almost perfected perpetual motion machine
    and pouring out his bootleg intended home brew,
    a moral and conspicious crime which earned for them the reward
    of all consequent affliction and reprobation
    upon which they moved to the sanctuary of Utah
    somewhere west of Eden near a town originally called Hurry Cain
    named after his grandfather of preceding generations
    who had to rush all the way there to escape
    Texas Rangers’ vengeance after killing his brother
    for stealing a sheep he loved in the custom they knew unto then
    you can read about it
    in an early edition of the Garza Dispatch
    if you follow the scriptures and search out
    matters of truth with fear and trembling
    in a plain manner of allusionary speaking
    But now I see our allotted time is up
    so you gentlemen will be needing to depart
    and hear words of wisdom
    from our beloved pastor the Right Reverend Strayhorn
    As my conclusion I fervently hope I have given you young elders
    something to ponder over this morning
    Brother Klogphorne
    we always end our class with a prayer
    would you offer it?
    Well Lord up there wherever
    to say it delicately and in trochaic synesthesia
    I certainly hope it was larded odoriferous
    with the septical fragrance of