Kosher Guide to Imaginary Animals Read Online Free PDF Page A

of the Leviathan. On a more prosaic level, some ancients saw the ouroboros as a vastly efficient organism that became immortal by eating its own waste.
    Ann: “Not only is it not kosher, what it’s eating is not kosher!”
    Evil Monkey: “Do two negatives make a positive? Does eating something not kosher when you are not kosher make it all kosher?”
    Ann: “No.”
    Evil Monkey: “Because it’s a cannibal? Self-cannibal?”
    Ann: “Did you hear the one about the two cannibals eating the clown?”
    Evil Monkey: “No.”
    Ann: “One says to the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’”
    Evil Monkey: “That’s disgusting!”

Phoenix

    According to Enoch, the phoenix has the head of a crocodile and the feet of a lion. The food of the mighty bird consists of manna from heaven and dew from the Earth, and its excrement takes the form of a worm, whose waste in turn is highly prized cinnamon. On the right wing of the phoenix you will find the following tattoo inscribed in huge letters: “Neither the Earth produces me, nor the Heavens, but only the wings of fire.” If you are close enough to read those letters, get thee to a hospital immediately. Dr. Jorge Luis Borges expressed a belief in the phoenix as a reflected vision of the universe. But to you it represents only third-degree burns.
    Evil Monkey: “Is the phoenix one of the birds you are allowed to eat?”
    Ann: “I doubt it. Especially since it was the only bird that Eve could not tempt to eat from the Tree of Knowledge.”
    Evil Monkey: “Is the Tree of Knowledge kosher?”
    Ann: “I think so, but it’s forbidden — if you could even find one nowadays.”
    Evil Monkey: “Well now I have to find one and eat from it.”
    Ann: “Wow, you really are evil.”

Pollo Maligno

    Of Columbian origins, the evil cannibalistic chicken, or “pollo maligno,” is a spirit of the forest that takes the form of poultry. Pollo maligno haunts hunters, drawing them into the deepest forest. Once the hunters are lost, the huge chicken challenges them to a boxing match but cheekily devours them while they’re still preparing for the fisticuffs. Then the pollo maligno runs through the forest screaming its own name until it is absorbed back into the vines and leaves. This mighty chicken is unrelated to the “pollo maligno” familiar to you from bad fast-food joints.
    Ann: “When you say cannibalistic, do you mean a chicken that eats other chickens or a chicken that eats humans?”
    Evil Monkey: “When I say pollo maligno, I have no idea what I mean except I sound fierce.”
    Ann: “Well, chickens are kosher, but if it’s eating meat, probably not. . .”
    Evil Monkey: “ POLLO MALIGNO! POLLO MALIGNO! POLLO MALIGNO! ”

Pope Lick Monster

    First seen in the 1940s at Pope Lick Creek near Louisville, Kentucky, the Pope Lick Monster has been described as half-goat, half-man. Speculation in those parts runs to a belief in the creature being the result of the union of a perverted farmer and his farm animals, or even an escaped vengeful circus-freak. The Pope Lick Monster uses its voice to mimic humans or hypnosis to lure people onto the train trestle under the Norfolk Southern Railway to their inevitable deaths. Some say it is responsible for animal mutilations. Others say it uses a bloody axe to scare its victims. Still others point to the high alcohol intake in the area. If you see the Pope Lick Monster, what were you doing in them parts anyway?
    Ann: “Even with the description, I don’t really know what that is.”
    Evil Monkey: “I still believe it’s a monster that licks the Pope, and then the Pope’s magic kung fu banishes it to Pope Lick Creek.”
    Ann: “If it’s licking the Pope, it’s probably not kosher, that’s for sure.”

Sasquatch (aka Bigfoot)

    Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch, is supposedly an ape-like creature living in forests, mainly in the Pacific Northwest region of North America. Usually described as a large, hairy, bipedal creature, it