Kill Two Birds & Get Stoned Read Online Free PDF Page A

very upscale gang. For myself, I suppose I looked casual but well turned out, like a novelist who wasn't writing but still dressed the part.
    You may wonder why I'm nattering on about sartorial matters. It's just something I learned from Clyde Potts. "What you wear is of very little concern. How you wear what you wear is everything." Fox and I may have made a few mistakes in our time, but in my experience with Clyde, I've never known her to be wrong. Except possibly, of course, about me and Fox.
    "Sorry we're late, Sunshine," she said lightly. "It was all Fox's fault."
    "Don't try to shift the blame to me," he said. "It was all your fault."
    "When are you ever going to learn," asked Clyde, "to take responsibility for your own actions?"
    "Only a madman would take responsibility for my actions," said Fox indignantly.
    "You're right, darling," said Clyde. "And that's why we love you. Don't we, Sunshine?"
    Fox appeared to be staring at me expectantly, like a small child waiting for his mother's approval. I didn't exactly love Fox back then, but in time, incredibly perhaps, even that would change.
    "Of course," I answered generously. "By the way, don't tell me we're going to Bennigan's?"
    "Careful what you say about Bennigan's," warned Clyde. "It's one of Fox's favorite places."
    "I don't believe it," I said. "Fox likes Bennigan's?"
    "Judge ye not," Fox intoned, "lest ye be a tourist from Kansas. It is true that I have little in common with the chain people who've made Bennigan's one of our country's most popular chain restaurants. But the chain people and I like Bennigan's for very different reasons. As you shall soon see."
    But before I could see what Fox was yapping about, I saw something else. I saw Clyde move very close to me and hook her trim arm around mine. It made my arm feel warm all over. Then I saw Fox lock elbows with Clyde on the other side and suddenly the two of them were skipping down the sidewalks of New York dragging me along with them and singing, " 'We're off to see the wizard—the wonderful Wizard of Oz!'" I wasn't sure if I was meant to be the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion—or Dorothy. It was one thing to drink an ungodly number of tequilas and help devour a no-hands birthday cake in a half-empty restaurant. But it was quite another to be stone-cold sober and frolicking like a young schoolgirl before the jaded, judgmental eyes of a crowded block full of New Yorkers. I knew, of course, that New Yorkers had seen just about everything, but I didn't really feel as if they needed to see this particular spectacle at this time. And there was no gracious way to stop the event until Clyde or Fox ran out of energy, and the two of them appeared to be in some kind of competition to see who could keep going the longest. I felt like a shy young boy taking his first dance lessons. When the ordeal was over at last, we'd passed Bennigan's by a good two and a half blocks.
    "That's my aerobics for the week," said Fox. "Got a cigarette?" I gave him a cigarette.
    "Me, too, Sunshine," said Clyde. I gave her a cigarette.
    "Got a light?" asked Fox. I took out my lighter and lit his cigarette.
    "Me, too, Sunshine," said Clyde. As I lit her cigarette, she cupped her hand around mine and stared directly into my eyes. When the cigarette was lit, she tapped my hand once gently with her index finger. Then she winked a beautiful wink I will never forget. As an author, even one with spiritual constipation, you may well expect me to be able to describe that wink. Unfortunately, I've never been very good at describing winks. But this one sailed as silver and simple as a hummingbird at dawn or a bullet to the heart.
    "Okay," I said. "Where do we go now?"
    "Back to Bennigan's, of course," said Fox. "What would cause you to think otherwise?"
    "Don't try to follow Fox's logic," said Clyde. "He doesn't have any."
    "You don't need logic," said Fox, "once you successfully mistake your own sick fantasy for wisdom."
    "See what I mean?"