Katerina Read Online Free PDF Page A

anger. My mouth shut and I turned away.
    Now I don’t remember his height, whether he was tallor short, and his face has been completely erased from my memory, but the baby girl, flesh of my flesh, I cannot forget her. It is as though I hadn’t abandoned her, as though she had grown up with me. Years ago I had a dream, and in my dream I led her to the altar. The girl was as lovely as an angel, and I called her Angela. Who knows, perhaps she still walks in the land of the living.
    Again, I’ve put the cart before the horse. In my fifth month, I revealed my secret to the lady of the house. I was sure she would fire me on the spot. But to my surprise, she didn’t. I remained in the house and kept working. The work wasn’t easy, but she didn’t rush me and she didn’t reproach me with my disgrace. Without noticing it, I got used to the odors of the house, to the strange separation between milk and meat, to the thin darkness that reigned from morning to evening.
    In my ninth month of pregnancy I traveled to Moldovitsa, and there, next to the convent, I asked about renting a room with an old peasant woman. The old woman knew why I had come to her right away, and she asked for a high rent. I didn’t have any money. I had a stolen piece of gold jewelry, and that’s what I offered her.
    “How did you get that?”
    “I inherited it from my mother.”
    “Don’t disturb your poor mother’s rest, and don’t tell lies.”
    “What should I tell you, mother?”
    “Tell the truth.”
    “It’s hard to tell it, mother.”
    The old woman took the jewelry from my hand and asked no more questions.
    I could see the convent walls from my window, the steeple with the bells and the meadows that surrounded the convent. I stood beside that window for many hours, and in the evening my head was heavy and dizzy.
    “You must pray, my daughter.”
    “It’s hard for me to pray.”
    “Blindfold yourself with a kerchief. The eyes are the great seducers of sin. Without eyes it’s easier to pray.” I did as she ordered and tightened the kerchief around my eyes.
    The pregnancy went beyond term, and I walked around the walls of the convent day after day, the way the children of Israel marched around Jericho. My desire to enter it, to touch the altar and prostrate myself at its feet, was strong but I didn’t dare. When I came back from the meadows, the fear of God would seize me. For a few days I controlled myself, but finally I told the old woman about it.
    “What are you afraid of, my daughter?” She spoke to me softly.
    “Of God.”
    “You have nothing to fear. You’ll leave the baby in a box, the way they left Moses, and after that the good Lord will do what He thinks best. The nuns are merciful, and they will take care of him. Every month women come here and leave their babies. The babies will be educated in the convent, and they’ll become priests and monks.”
    Every morning the old woman made porridge for me. My body was swollen, and weariness forced me to the couch. I no longer had the strength to approach the convent walls, and I no longer walked far. The old woman urged me to pray every morning. “You mustn’t be lazy. A person must get up in the morning and do his duty.” Her words ofreproach pierced my body like nails. I knew that my sin could not be atoned for.
    The birth was hard and painful. The midwife said that she hadn’t seen such a difficult birth in years. If someone comes to give birth here, people aren’t respectful of her honor. The midwife had no respect for me: “From now on, don’t believe men. Do you promise?”
    “I promise.”
    “How do I know you’ll keep your promise?”
    “I swear.”
    “People violate oaths easily.”
    “What shall I do, mother?”
    “I’ll put a chain on your ankle, and it will always remind you that you mustn’t sleep with boys.”
    “Thank you, mother.”
    “Don’t thank me. Don’t sleep with boys, and that will be my reward.”
    The next day I was about to