Just What Kind of Mother Are You? Read Online Free PDF Page A

Lucinda’s mobile. When Lucinda didn’t answer, she rang Kate—’
    ‘And Kate said, “Isn’t she with you?” ’
    ‘Yes.’
    The horror of what we’re facing slaps me in the face for the second time as it dawns on Joe. I can picture him, sitting on the edge of the bed, not up as he’d pretended to be, but in his underwear, his head hanging low.
    ‘So, she’s been missing since – when?’ he asks. ‘Since yesterday afternoon?’
    I don’t speak.
    ‘Shit,’ he says, realizing. ‘Has she been gone since yesterday morning?’
    ‘We don’t know yet,’ I say, ‘but it’s overnight, Joe. She’s been gone overnight and she’s only thirteen. Thirteen! She’s only thirteen.’ I am sobbing fully now. ‘What’s happened to her? Jesus, Joe, it feels like it’s happening to us, only it’s worse because it’s not our daughter I’ve lost, it’s not our daughter … it’s Kate’s.’
    Joe sighs then says as softly as he can, ‘Lise, why didn’t you tell them Sally was ill?’
    ‘I told Sally to text Lucinda and tell her she wasn’t coming in, but I should’ve done it myself, I should’ve rung Kate—’
    ‘Kate’ , he says emphatically. ‘Dear God, Kate ,’ he says again.
    I imagine his expression.
    ‘Joe,’ I say carefully, ‘are you meaning that this would be easier if this was somebody else’s child? Not Kate’s? Is that what you’re saying?’
    ‘No,’ he answers firmly, but then admits: ‘You know what I mean, though … don’t you?’
    I do, but I don’t let myself think that way. I close my eyes. I feel as if I’ve been shot in the stomach. I can’t move.
    ‘Help me, Joe,’ I cry to him. ‘Help me. I don’t know what to do.’
    ‘I will, baby,’ he shushes gently. ‘I will. Where are you? I’ll come and get you. Don’t drive. I’ll come.’
    Like us, Kate and Guy Riverty live in Troutbeck, but their house is on the other side of the valley. We leave my car outside Sam’s school and Joe drives us up there in the taxi.
    Sam jumped out of my car and got himself into school when I was receiving the awful news from Sally. I don’t think I even said goodbye to him. Sally was not in good state. I have no idea what to do about her. Whether to bring her home or leave her at school. She said the police were at school taking statements, and she wasn’t sure if she’s even allowed to come home until she’s spoken with them.
    My mind is blank and my body leaden. I look at Joe. ‘I don’t know what to say to Kate and Guy – what the hell am I going to say to them?’
    ‘Tell them you’re sorry. Say that. Kate’ll need to hear it.’
    He’s right, of course. It’s just that I’m so scared.
    ‘What if she screams at me? What if she throws me out?’
    ‘Then you’ll have to take it. You have no choice.’ He looks at me, his face woeful. ‘I won’t let her hurt you, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ll stay with you.’
    I turn away, sickened at myself. ‘Listen to me – scared of facing her, when her only daughter is gone . How fucked up is that? I should be thinking of ways to support her.’
    Joe reaches across and puts his hand on top of my tightly clasped palms. ‘It’s not your fault, Lise,’ he says.
    I don’t respond. We’re almost at Kate and Guy’s and if I say what I want to say, if I scream, ‘Of course it’s my fault! You know it’s my fault,’ and allow the hysteria I’m holding inside to surface, I won’t be able to get out of the car.
    I close my eyes and steady my breath. Instead I say, ‘Thanks for coming to get me, Joe.’
    He looks across at me, his eyes sad. ‘Always,’ he says simply.

5
    D C J OANNE A SPINALL gets behind the wheel of the grey Mondeo. She’d been given the choice of Midnight Sky or Lunar Sky. Grey, basically. But Joanne wasn’t bothered about the colour; for her, it was all about engine capacity.
    In recent years they’d lowered the spec for the plain clothes, the thinking behind it that