Just Annoying! Read Online Free PDF Page A

me.
    â€˜Get rid of it.’
    The smirkers are laughing as I leave.
    Maybe this whole thing was their fault. Maybe I fell off the board because they bounced on it while I was trying to get the gnome. Maybe it was them who kicked it off afterwards. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.
    Maybe.
    I’m lying in bed.
    The night is still and hot.
    I can’t sleep.
    I hear the high-pitched whine of an approaching mosquito. I wait until it gets really loud. It stops. I can feel it on my forehead. I bring my hand up slowly. I whack my head with my open palm. The whining starts up again as the mosquito retreats to the roof. Just like the other forty times.
    I can’t stop thinking about the gnome.
    Before I went to bed I wrapped him in a plastic bag and fastened it with fat rubber bands. I buried him down the bottom of my case under all my clothes. I locked the case and pushed it under the bed.
    He would have to be Houdini to get out of there.

    But I’m still scared.
    He tried to kill me this afternoon. I think. In fact I’m positive. Sort of.
    I hear a noise.
    It sounds like somebody knocking.
    â€˜Come in,’ I call.
    But nobody comes.
    I hear the knocking again. I get out of bed and open the door. Nobody there. Am I going mad?
    I get back into bed.
    More knocking.
    It’s not the door at all.
    It’s coming from under the bed.
    I hear the locks of the suitcase click open.
    I can’t believe it.
    This is crazy.
    A concrete garden gnome wrapped in plastic secured by fat rubber bands cannot open a suitcase. Especially not from the inside.
    I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep.

    Â 

    But I can’t sleep.
    I hear rustling.
    This is ridiculous.
    I grab my torch and jump out of bed. I shine the torch under the bed at my case. It’s locked. I knew I was imagining it. I just had to check.
    I switch off the torch and get back into bed.
    I turn onto my side and try to relax.
    I’m just on the edge of falling asleep when I hear the mosquito.
    I swipe at it. Miss. It returns. I swipe again. The back of my hand hits something hard under the sheet. I pull the sheet back. It’s the gnome. Lying on his side. Staring at me.
    I grab him and throw him against the wall with super-human strength.
    The gnome bounces off the wall and lands back on the bed.
    I pick him up again and throw him even harder.
    This time he doesn’t return.
    I grab my torch and shine it at the floor.
    The gnome is broken in two. His head has come off his body. I pick up the two pieces. I take them to the back door and throw them as far away from the house as I can.
    I go back to bed.
    The nightmare is over.
    The next morning I get up and go to the kitchen.

    Â 

    Grandpa is sitting at the kitchen table with his back to me.
    â€˜Morning, Grandpa,’ I call.
    â€˜Good morning, Andy,’ he says. ‘I found your friend in the backyard.’
    â€˜Huh?’ I say.
    Grandpa turns around.
    In his hand is the gnome. He has glued the head back onto the body.
    A huge jagged crack runs from shoulder to shoulder. He looks even uglier than before.
    â€˜Gee, thanks, Grandpa.’
    â€˜That’s alright, son,’ he says. Have an accident, did ya?’
    â€˜Ah, yeah, you could say that.’
    â€˜You must be really attached to that gnome,’ says Grandpa, ‘to bring him all this way.’
    â€˜Ah, yeah, you could say that, too,’ I say. It’s late afternoon. Grandma and Grandpa have gone out. I’m home alone. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for.

    Â 

    I pick up the gnome by his hat, hold him at arm’s length and take him out to the backyard.
    I’ve got a little job for Grandpa’s mulcher.
    I flick the switch. The engine roars. The mulcher is hungry—ready for action.
    I pause.
    What am I doing?! I am about to throw a garden gnome into a garden mulcher. The gnome is not smiling now. He’s looking up at me with big pleading eyes like an innocent