Jennifer Johnson Is Sick of Being Married Read Online Free PDF Page A

clothing hanging up or neatly put away in drawers. I burn with shame and the distinct memory of leaving a pair of dirty underwear on the floor in the cottage. Dear God, I hope Mother Keller didn’t see them. The tour’s almost over, and I’m contemplating suicide by way of skewering a brass fireplace poker into my eye socket, when Mother Keller flips on the lights in the dining room and my whole family leaps out shouting, “Surprise!”
    I nearly have a heart attack. My first thought is, What’s wrong with you people? which isn’t fair, because they’re only trying to congratulate us on our amazing new house. They’ve been silently waiting there in the dark, even Hailey and Lenny, who took a taxi from the airport. Dad hugs me, Mom kisses me. They take turns holding Ace, who’s nearly hysterical with joy. He bounds up and down the staircase on three legs faster than most dogs can go on four.
    Everybody congratulates us on our new home and they all start asking questions about the honeymoon. I don’t even get to lie about it, because idiot Hailey is already there blabbering away. “They had a honeymoon from hell!” she hoots. “They had diarrhea all week!”
    â€œIt’s always something, ” Mother Keller says.
    â€œI told you to pack Imodium,” Mom says with a sigh.
    â€œThat’s a doozy of a honeymoon!” Ed laughs out loud.
    â€œOh!” Mother Keller yelps suddenly. “Jennifer! The dog is peeing all over the house!”
    â€œAce?” I look around, bewildered.
    â€œOh my, what a mess!” she says, blotting the carpet. “Quick, grab that napkin. Oh, Jennifer, really. You’re not here two minutes and you’ve already turned your house into a mess.”
    My house . What a joke. I feel like I might faint.
    Brad’s older sister, Sarah, arrives and she starts in immediately. She tosses back her shiny auburn curls and says, “Diarrhea on your honeymoon? What a loser my brother is! It’s always a disaster when he travels with women. Always. Like the time he went on spring break with what’s-her-name. The Asian one. Anyway they both got gonorrhea.”
    She gives me a big saccharine-sweet smile.
    That’s Sarah for you. A Prada-wearing piranha.
    â€œAll right then!” Ed says. “I’m getting everybody some apple cider! Hey, Bill here?”
    Sarah says her husband is outside. She made him repark the car.
    Poor Bill.
    Being married to Sarah must be like marrying a black widow spider. The question isn’t whether she’ll kill you, it’s when, and how much of your dry husk will remain. Mother Keller offers to show my parents the new snow blower in the garage and I’m alone with Sarah momentarily. She turns and whispers conspiratorially. “Did you know Dad’s retiring?”
    â€œI heard he was thinking about that.”
    â€œOh, I’ll bet you did.” She winks. “Bet you want to know who’s the new president too! Don’t assume Brad’s becoming president.”
    â€œNo, he hasn’t even mentioned—”
    â€œOh, of course,” she snorts. “My brother never tells you anything, does he. Poor thing. Always in the dark. Don’t you just wonder what secrets he’s keeping from you?”
    â€œNot really . . .”
    â€œHe probably has a harem of Asian hookers somewhere. He’s always had Egg Roll Fever, you know.”
    I choke-chortle awkwardly, wanting to punch her in the face.
    Her eyes dart around the room quickly. “I’ll tell you something, Jennifer. I’ve worked for years and years at the company. My brother just got here. While he was off fucking up his life and drinking himself into whatever stupor my parents found him in, I was right here the whole time. You know? Working and waiting for my turn. Now Brad thinks he’s in line for the throne?”
    â€œNo, I don’t think