“It’s Not About the Sex” My Ass Read Online Free PDF Page B

home. Jeff found an opportunity to pull the man aside from the 50 or so
guests milling about and ask for his daughter’s hand.
    You just never know about that God, what with his mysterious
ways and all. After telling Jeff and me to recruit this man’s daughter, God
turned around and told the man to turn us down flat. The fellow was even
offended. Can you beat that? Offended.
    I was confused. Revelations weren’t supposed to go awry. I
felt hurt, too. Rejected. Maybe she didn’t like me.
    Not to worry. God was at work prompting Kenneth and Eleanor
to move from New Mexico to Manti, and to bring with them their breathtakingly
gorgeous daughters.
Judith, her boobs, and her other sisters, too
    Even as a young man, Kenneth must have been a big part of
God’s plan, because God went to no small effort to get his attention. It seems
that in his infinite wisdom, God guided Kenneth’s car, with Kenneth at the
wheel, into a nasty collision. While Kenneth teetered at the brink of death in
a New Mexico hospital, God appeared to him in a vision and told him great
things lay ahead.
    God has a flair for the dramatic. He could have skipped the
whole accident thing and simply shown up at Kenneth’s trailer—yes, they
lived in a trailer—for a nice, heart-to-heart, sit-down chat. But it
wouldn’t have been nearly as cool. Kind of like those old TV shows where George
Reeves as Superman burst through a wall to save Lois and Jimmy even though a
perfectly good door was right there.
    Kenneth emerged from the hospital a religious man. Some 20
years later, he found himself checking out Harmston and the TLC. Liking what he
found, he prepared to move to Manti.
    Kenneth was neither the most handsome nor thinnest fellow
you’d hope to meet. Yet he was instantly likable, which may explain how he
managed to get Eleanor, who looked a lot like Ann-Margaret, to marry him. Their
marriage led to three daughters, two of them traffic-stoppingly gorgeous. At 14
and 15, Katie and Lisa were supermodel material. They would have caused a
sensation anywhere. In small-town Manti they became instant rock stars.
    Hold on. This isn’t the time to put down the book and go retch.
Unlike some cults, ours wasn’t into marrying 14 and 15-year-olds. Harmston’s
policy adhered to Utah law. In Utah it is legal to marry without parental
consent at 18. It is legal to marry at 16 or 17 only with written permission
from a legal guardian. To marry younger than that requires a guardian’s written
permission plus a court order.
    Which meant that, at 17, Kenneth’s oldest daughter Judith
qualified as fair game. Now you may
put down the book and go retch. I’ll wait.
    Judith didn’t cause the stir that her younger sisters
caused. Though pretty in her own right, her out-of-this-world, drop-dead
beautiful sisters clearly stole the show. Plus, Judith was a bit plump. Not
obese, mind you, but “a bit plump” is no advantage when your out-of-this-world,
drop-dead beautiful sisters happen to be shapely and svelte.
    Still, Judith’s face was lovely. Personality-wise she was
bubbly, funny, and likable. She stood at a striking 5 feet, 9 inches tall and
was accessorized with enviably big boobs that preceded her everywhere.
    Harmston’s wife Elaine saw Judith’s and my relative cup
sizes as part of God’s plan. She observed that if you averaged my
under-endowment with Judith’s over-endowment, we would each come out about
right. Marvelous, mysterious, and just are the ways of the Lord.
    Perhaps to compensate for the plumpness thing, God gave
Judith a special power over Manti’s male hormones. To understand this uncanny
power, recall the Old Testament tale of Jacob and Rachel. Jacob loved Rachel.
He worked for her father for seven years to earn her hand, only to have her
father pull a fast one by making him marry Rachel’s older sister first. Jacob
was required to work another seven years before he could finally marry Rachel,
the woman he wanted in the first place.
    The