In The Bleak Midwinter: A Special Agent Constance Mandalay Novel Read Online Free PDF Page A

of
comfort—not exactly from what she was hearing really, but from the
pleasant remembrance the rhythmic noise brought rushing back into
her head. The vivid memory of standing here with Daddy for what
seemed like hours last Christmas season, watching the train,
pointing out the various miniature scenes, and grinning so hard
that it made her face hurt.
    Happiness and joy…
    But the comfort of the memory didn’t stay
with her for very long. Last Christmas was forever ago, and now
things were all different and messed up. Yes, the train still
chugged around the track, just as it had done then. The tiny
caroler figurines were still “singing” in front of the tiny plastic
church, just as they had done then. The brightly colored lights
strung around the display still winked off and on, just as they had
done then.
    But that was then.
    Now everything was changed. Merrie’s face
hurt but she already knew that this time it wasn’t because she was
grinning. She was no longer able to feel those things called
happiness and joy. She could only feel the darkness and the
pain.
    She swallowed hard and blinked. When she
looked again her eyes focused on her own reflection in the glass.
It came as no surprise that the face staring back at her wore a
deep frown. After what had happened today, she wasn’t so sure she
would ever smile again.
    A lick of icy wind weaved its way through the
bustle of people moving along the sidewalk behind them, and it blew
hard against her back. She watched the reflection as her hair
whipped around her head, a shock of it eventually coming to rest
across her face and blocking her tired eyes. She brushed it away
with the back of her hand, and then purely out of habit she reached
down as she momentarily hiked up her leg and proceeded to adjust
her sagging knee sock. The thin cotton did little to protect her
against the cold, but right now she really didn’t care.
    Still quietly staring into the window she
pulled her free hand back inside the arm of her coat and clenched
her fist hard. Her fingernails dug into her palm, and as she felt
the sting she winced and then relaxed her fingers. She had thought
the pain helped earlier, but now she wasn’t so sure. It didn’t make
anything go away this time. It was just more pain on top of what
was already there. Maybe there was nothing at all that could help
her.
    Maybe this really was all her fault. Maybe
God was punishing her for something. That’s what Sister Conran
would say. “God punishes bad girls.” She had heard those words more
than once from the nun, but they had never really applied to her.
That is, maybe until now.
    Merrie just wished God would tell her what
she had done wrong, so she could confess her sin and be sorry. She
would say Hail Marys and Our Fathers until she lost
her voice if it would make all of this go away and keep her from
going to Hell.
    She didn’t want to go to Hell. She felt like
she was already there anyway, and that was bad enough. If Hell
really was worse than this, she didn’t want any part of it.
    Her jumbled thoughts were interrupted a
moment later when she felt a furious tugging at her other arm. The
constant pull was soon joined by seemingly desperate words
screeching into her ears.
    “Mare-reee…” Becca pleaded. “C’mon, Merrie…
C’mon… I doan wanna lookit the train no more… I wanna see Santa
now.”
    “Okay, okay,” Merrie mumbled, giving in and
allowing her sister to drag her toward the door. “But we have to be
quick. Okay? Mom will be waiting.”
    Becca began chanting, “Santa Claus is coming…
He knows you’re naughty… Santa Claus is coming… He knows you’re
‘wake… Santa Claus is…”
    “Don’t sing, Becca, okay?” Merrie
grumbled.
    The request fell on all but deaf ears, not
that it really mattered. Her younger sister was too overwhelmed
with excitement, and she couldn’t stop singing even if she
tried.
    Still holding on to Becca’s hand, Merrie
reached out and tugged the door open.