If You Had Controlling Parents Read Online Free PDF

if a parent dies before you have had a chance to say your piece or make your peace. But you can still say what you have to say in a letter, meditation, or poem even after a parent is gone. Part Three, “Solving the Problem,” will offer help in coping with the aging and death of controlling parents.
5. “It wasn’t that bad. Lots of other children had it much worse .”
    One forty-year-old woman whom I interviewed told me, “My parents never hit me and they certainly gave me food and shelter and an education, so I guess I don’t have much to complain about compared to children who were hit or molested.” Yet she was ruthlessly controlled by her parents. The pain of emotional maltreatment can be as deep and long-lasting as that of physical abuse. A slap, shove, insult, or look all hurt equally deeply. In fact, many people who were physically abused say it was the words, not the blows, that hurt most.
    You don’t have to be hit or molested or left without food or clothes to be left with the effects of long-term abuse. Overcontrol, neglect, and cruelty are all painful—and all wrong. I’ll be sharing stories from a wide variety of difficult childhoods in the hope that you will find, rather than invalidate, yourself.
6. “I don’t want to be a victim and blame others for my problems .”
    Self-help books and groups are criticized for turning us into a nation of “whiners” who blame others for our own issues and take no responsibility for seeking remedies. To be sure, some people do get stuck in the “victim” stance. Yet in my experience, most people read self-help books or participate in self-help groups because they care about the quality of their lives. In working with women and men who grew up controlled, I’ve found that most have trouble blaming anybody but themselves because they tend to accept their parents’ points of view at the expense of their own.
    Children of controlling families aren’t trained to act in their own best interests; they’re trained to serve and take care of their parents. Questioning your parenting and discovering connections between your current problems and your upbringing is acting in your own best interests—although initially it may feel awkward.It’s important to remember that even if your parents loved you, their control cost you a great deal. This book is not about blaming parents for their mistakes, but it is about understanding their mistakes so you no longer suffer the consequences.
7. “My parents were only doing what they thought was right. Better to forgive and forget .”
    Many controlling parents do what they think is right, but it doesn’t mean it was right for you. Vengeance is the last thing this book is about. However, in my experience, forgiving another’s transgressions before you’re ready to can be as destructive as vengeance. In Part Three we’ll explore forgiveness in depth.
8. “I don’t remember much of my childhood. How do I know if I was controlled ?”
    It’s not specific memories of childhood experiences that need to be healed. Rather, it’s the emotional experience of growing up controlled and the decisions you may have unwittingly carried into your adult life that do the harm. Powerful, unseen injunctions often serve as barriers to seeing your past for what it was. Matching your experiences against those of the people you’ll read about can help clarify your past.
9. “My parents, family, or friends might ridicule or reject me if I explore this .”
    A message like this is a signal that even the thought of others’ disapproval has the power to stop you cold. Yes, some might disapprove. But a big part of individuation is seeking your truth even when others disagree. If you have parents or friends who attack you for striking out in your own best interests, exploring those relationships may be all the more