If You Had Controlling Parents Read Online Free PDF Page A

are gaining freedom from overcontrol.
    Top 10 Guilt-Inducing Family-Loyalty Thoughts
    Several concerns commonly occur at various stages of individuating and healing among adults who grew up controlled. For readers who may feel ambivalent about revisiting their family’s control, the following ten concerns and responses may help you sort through your feelings and decide how deeply you want to explore.
    If you’re ready to plunge forward, skip this list. If at some point later on you feel bogged down in your growth and healing, that’s the time to refer back to this section.
1. “I owe my parents respect, loyalty, and gratitude. They made a lot of sacrifices for me and I wouldn’t be here if not for them .”
    Confronting what was unhealthy in your upbringing doesn’t make you disloyal to your parents, and it doesn’t indicate that you’re downplaying their contributions. Rather, it means you’re being loyal to yourself. There’s nothing disrespectful about asking honest questions when they’re in your own best interests. If you came from a controlling family, developing a flexible sense of family loyalties—that doesn’t diminish your sense of yourself or existin all-or-nothing terms—can allow you to see both the good and the bad in your past and in your parents. It’s both helpful and healing to study how unhealthy loyalties may have been instilled in you and whether you are trapped by them even today.
2. “What if exploring this makes me feel anger, pain, fear, or grief ?”
    You don’t have to explore your childhood. It’s never easy, particularly if your childhood wasn’t easy. Yet it can be freeing.
    As you delve into your past, emotions can be intense because they often include leftover emotions you couldn’t fully experience as a child. If you had controlling parents, they were probably terrified of being overwhelmed by feelings. That’s a major reason for why people control. If your parents feared feelings, they probably tried to avoid, alter, or block all family members’ emotional expressions.
    Reclaiming your independence may mean connecting with anger, sadness, hurt, rage, loneliness, desolation, or anxiety. As strong as these feelings are, they will eventually pass. By examining and embracing your feelings, you strengthen emotional muscles that were underused in childhood.
3. “It’s all in the past, so what good does it do to go over it ?”
    While exploring a painful childhood can initially seem to make your life more difficult, it will eventually help you to enjoy a healthier present and future. Your sense of self can change. Your relationship with your parents can change. Your willingness to be yourself despite others’ disapproval can change.
    For many years I downplayed my parents’ influence on me. Looking back, I can see why: It was painful to admit that they had let me down, even if unintentionally; it hurt to face my desperate attempts to be accepted, hiding my needs and weaknesses, yet still never feeling accepted; and, most of all, it grieved me to realize that I, like all children, was powerless to stop my parents from hurting me.
    It can be hard to accept the idea that parents have so much of an impact on us. It may be hard to remember that as children we were relatively helpless and dependent. It can be terrifying to admit that your parents muffed one of the biggest jobs of their lives—raising you. It can be so threatening, in fact, that many of us tend to rationalize away that hurt. Freedom lies in seeking a balanced view that neither minimizes nor overstates.
4. “What if my parents die before I sort all this out ?”
    Watching a parent age and die is always tremendously difficult. If your parents were abusive or controlling, their aging can bring a special set of emotional challenges.
    Few of us have “finished” relationships with the dead. It can feel devastating