If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Read Online Free PDF Page B
Author: Erma Bombeck
unfit for humans. Many people in this house are human.
A bathroom is your friend. It is there when you need it. Lids do not like to be standing all the time. They get tired. Towels do not like to be on the floor. They cannot see anything. Ugh. Soap does not like to lie in a drain and melt. Boo.
See Mommy come home. See Daddy come home. They are walking on their knees. Be kind to Mommy and Daddy. “Look, look, Mommy, Bruce is bloody. I'm telling, Debbie. I didn't do it, Daddy.”
Do you want to make Mommy crazy?
Do you want to make Daddy rupture a neck vein?
Then shape up, up, up.
The controversy of whether to work outside the home or not to work outside the home goes on. Each woman in her own way assesses what her needs are, and how they can best be met.
It must be pointed out that office procedure also has its shortcomings. Nothing is perfect. ('or example, one office had the following SICK LEAVE POLICY.
SICKNESS
No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
DEATH (other than your own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to arrangements. However, if the funeral can be arranged in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided your share of work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
DEATH (your own)
This is acceptable as an excuse provided (a) two weeks' notice is given in order to break in a new person for your job (b) if two weeks' notice is not possible, call in before 8 a.m. so that a sub may be provided and (c) this must be verified by your doctor's signature and your own. Both signatures must be present, or the time will be deducted from your annual sick leave.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE (for an operation)
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE (rest room)
Too much time is being spent in the rest rooms. Our time study man has ascertained that three minutes, fifteen seconds constitutes a generous break. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the rest room in alphabetical order. Those with names beginning with A will go from 8 a.m. to 8:05, 15 seconds; those with F from 8:03, 15 seconds to 8:06, 30 seconds, etc. If you miss your turn, you must wait until the day when your turn comes again.
As I was on my knees one afternoon at the office, trying to lift a filing cabinet over a piece of carpet, my boss asked, “What are you doing down there?”
“Prolonging my life. I just read a survey where it said women who worked outside the home lived a richer, fuller, longer life.”
“You look tired to me,” he said. “Why don't you get out of the office for a while. Go home, bake a little bread, wax the floors, visit with your children.”
Between keeping house and working, I'm probably going to live to be a hundred. Or maybe it will just seem that long.
4
The Varicose Open
Well, if I had known the battle of the sexes was going to be fought on a tennis court, I wouldn't have let my knees grow together.
Looking back, it all started when Bobby Riggs became Queen of the Courts (grass, clay, and Margaret). Businessmen, housewives, students, blue-collar workers, politicians, preschoolers, everyone was “into tennis.”
Heaven help you if you were new to the game. It was an uphill battle to break through the barriers of snobbery and elitism to play a game that for years had been dominated by rich kids with weak chins and straight, white teeth.
That sounds biased, but did you ever see a picture of Rockefeller coming out of
A bathroom is your friend. It is there when you need it. Lids do not like to be standing all the time. They get tired. Towels do not like to be on the floor. They cannot see anything. Ugh. Soap does not like to lie in a drain and melt. Boo.
See Mommy come home. See Daddy come home. They are walking on their knees. Be kind to Mommy and Daddy. “Look, look, Mommy, Bruce is bloody. I'm telling, Debbie. I didn't do it, Daddy.”
Do you want to make Mommy crazy?
Do you want to make Daddy rupture a neck vein?
Then shape up, up, up.
The controversy of whether to work outside the home or not to work outside the home goes on. Each woman in her own way assesses what her needs are, and how they can best be met.
It must be pointed out that office procedure also has its shortcomings. Nothing is perfect. ('or example, one office had the following SICK LEAVE POLICY.
SICKNESS
No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
DEATH (other than your own)
This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to arrangements. However, if the funeral can be arranged in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided your share of work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
DEATH (your own)
This is acceptable as an excuse provided (a) two weeks' notice is given in order to break in a new person for your job (b) if two weeks' notice is not possible, call in before 8 a.m. so that a sub may be provided and (c) this must be verified by your doctor's signature and your own. Both signatures must be present, or the time will be deducted from your annual sick leave.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE (for an operation)
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
LEAVE OF ABSENCE (rest room)
Too much time is being spent in the rest rooms. Our time study man has ascertained that three minutes, fifteen seconds constitutes a generous break. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the rest room in alphabetical order. Those with names beginning with A will go from 8 a.m. to 8:05, 15 seconds; those with F from 8:03, 15 seconds to 8:06, 30 seconds, etc. If you miss your turn, you must wait until the day when your turn comes again.
As I was on my knees one afternoon at the office, trying to lift a filing cabinet over a piece of carpet, my boss asked, “What are you doing down there?”
“Prolonging my life. I just read a survey where it said women who worked outside the home lived a richer, fuller, longer life.”
“You look tired to me,” he said. “Why don't you get out of the office for a while. Go home, bake a little bread, wax the floors, visit with your children.”
Between keeping house and working, I'm probably going to live to be a hundred. Or maybe it will just seem that long.
4
The Varicose Open
Well, if I had known the battle of the sexes was going to be fought on a tennis court, I wouldn't have let my knees grow together.
Looking back, it all started when Bobby Riggs became Queen of the Courts (grass, clay, and Margaret). Businessmen, housewives, students, blue-collar workers, politicians, preschoolers, everyone was “into tennis.”
Heaven help you if you were new to the game. It was an uphill battle to break through the barriers of snobbery and elitism to play a game that for years had been dominated by rich kids with weak chins and straight, white teeth.
That sounds biased, but did you ever see a picture of Rockefeller coming out of
Similar Books
Messing With Mac
Jill Shalvis
The Sapphire Express
J. Max Cromwell
One Night in Boston
Allie Boniface
The Cat That Went to Homecoming
Julie Otzelberger
Christmas Surprises
Jenn Faulk
Her Fearful Symmetry
Audrey Niffenegger
The Darkest Heart
Dan Smith
Wildwood (YA Paranormal Mystery)
Helen Scott Taylor
Indecent Encounter: The Silverhaus Affair
M. S. Parker
Indelible
Lani Woodland