If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Read Online Free PDF

long?”
    "Michael. Michael is the one who took me so long. He said he didn't know where he lived, so to make friends, I gave him a taffy sucker. I must have driven around in circles for thirty minutes before he said, 'That's my house.'
    “Michael,” I said, “we've passed this house twenty to thirty times. Why didn't you say something before?”
    “Because,” he said, “I'm not allowed to talk with food in my mouth.”
    There are some who say giving children responsibility makes them grow. There are others who contend it increases your insurance rates.
    Whatever, there are some ground rules that must prevail while a mother is employed outside the home. First, when to bug and when not to bug. In other words, when do you call Mom on the phone at work?
    Emergencies do arise. There's no doubt about that, but some guidelines must be established at the top of the page.
    Before a child calls his mother at work he must ask himself: (1) Will Mom drop dead when she hears this? (2) Can she find a plumber after five? (3) Will she carry out her threat to move to another city and change her name?
    If the answers are “Yes, No, Yes,” the child might try putting the incident in a proper perspective.
    For example, if there is blood to report, consider these questions. Is it his? His brother's? Is there a lot? A little? On the sofa that is not Scotch-guarded? Or the eighty-dollar one that they are still making payments on? Will the bleeding stop? Was it an accident? A loose baby tooth? Can he shut up about it and pass it off as an insect bite?
    Another example: When every other kid in the neighborhood decides your child's house would be a neat place to play because there is no adult at home, he should ask himself, "Do I want to spend my entire puberty locked in my room with no food and no television? Do I need the friendship of a boy who throws ice cubes at the bird? Will Mom notice we made confetti in her blender?
    Other situations to be definite about:
    When a group of children decide to wash the cat and put him in the dryer and want to know what setting to use... CALL.
    When he and his brother are hitting and slapping over the last soft drink and he wants a high level decision on who gets it. DON'T CALL.
    When a couple of men in a pickup truck tell him his Mom is having the TV slipcovered, the silverware stored, her jewelry cleaned and his ten-speed bicycle oiled, CALL... AND FAST.
    When his sister chases him into the house with the garden hose and the furniture is turning a funny looking white, RUN.
    When he is bored and has nothing to do and just wants to talk, CALL HIS FATHER.
    During the summer months when children are too old for a sitter and too young for sense, I find that a Primer for Imaginative Children is a must just to set down what you expect of them.
     
    Primer for Imaginative Children
     
    This is a house.
    Vehicles are not permitted in the house.
    Occupancy of this house by more than two hundred people is dangerous and unlawful. Violators will be prosecuted.
    There is a dog in the house. His name is Spot. Spot likes to run and play and chase sticks. He also likes to relieve himself with some regularity. Watch Spot for telltale signs of urgency, such as jumping higher than the ceiling, gnawing on the doorknob or tunneling under the door.
    It is fun to eat. See the milk? See the butter? See the lunch meat? They cannot run. They cannot walk. They have no legs. They must be picked up and returned to the refrigerator or they will turn green. Green is not a happy color.
    Hear the phone ring? That means someone wants to talk to you. Ring. Ring. Ring. When the phone rings, pick it up and speak directly into it. Say “Hello.” Say “Goodbye.” Say anything.
    A bedroom is a special place. Find your bed each day. Try. Sometimes, you cannot see your bed because it is covered with clutter. This is not healthy. A cluttered room is a messy room. Fish die in a messy room. Mothers cannot breathe in a messy room. A messy room is