I Am Not Esther Read Online Free PDF

spiralling round — hurt, loneliness. Hot, raging fury.
    Aunt Naomi came in after about ten minutes. ‘I’m sorry about Miriam,’ I said, not because I wastrying to find out anything, but because I was sorry.
    She picked up my hair brush. ‘We do not talk about her,’ was all she said and then she attacked my hair like it was a poisonous snake. She yanked it back and then plaited it into the tightest plait in the world. I let her do it, then I hauled the band off it and ran my fingers through it to undo it. ‘I don’t wear my hair like that.’
    She slapped the brush back in my hand. ‘Fix it. Then you can take the little ones to the park for the afternoon.’
    Get out of this house for a few hours? Yes! I plaited my hair and went to get Abraham, Luke and Maggie. Maggie had a scarf over her hair. Aunt Naomi handed me one as well. ‘Women of our faith wear their hair covered in public.’
    I took the scarf. I covered my hair with it. ‘Where’s the park?’
    She told me. Weird, I didn’t even know which part of the country I was in. I asked her. Wanganui.
    The twins were helping Aunt Naomi bottle plums and watched us as we walked out the door. Daniel had gone back to work with Uncle Caleb.
    The day was hot. I took off the scarf and undid my hair the second we turned the corner away from the house. ‘Miriam never did that,’ Abraham said, then stopped in a hurry. So Miriam must’ve been old enough to take them to the park. She must’ve been in the Daniel/twins gap. About my age or maybe a bit older.
    I touched Abraham’s shoulder to get him moving again. ‘I’m sorry Miriam died. Was she nice?’
    But they wouldn’t talk about her, not even Abraham with his bold eyes. Maggie’s hand crept into mine. ‘She used to tell me stories,’ she whispered.
    We got to the park. There was a fountain, all cool and splashing. I took off the god-awful shoes and socks and sat on the edge, my feet in the water.
    ‘We’re not allowed to do that,’ Luke said, his hand splashing at the water.
    ‘So don’t then.’
    The pair of them stared at me, then Abraham let out a yell and jumped in beside me, emptying half the water over me. Luke, with a scared look over his shoulder, slid in beside him. I pulled Maggie’s shoes off and she sat beside me, swinging her feet in the water. I’d probably get prayed over when I got them home. I didn’t care, there was too much on my mind. There had to be a reason for what Mum had done. It wasn’t because she’d stopped loving me. My head knew that even if it wasn’t how I felt. So why?
    I knew so little. She’d left home on her sixteenth birthday. She said she couldn’t stand it any longer. God, could I ever believe that. And she said her father belted them. At least Uncle Caleb didn’t seem to be into physical violence.
    I went over what else I knew of Mum’s life, but there wasn’t much. I was born when she was twenty-six . My father died of leukemia when I was four, butshe said the marriage wouldn’t have lasted because he couldn’t stand her dizziness.
    How was I going to survive living with the Pilgrim family for two whole years? I wanted to cry and hide my head in my horrible scarf.
    ‘You will hurt your fingers, Esther,’ Maggie whispered, timidly putting a hand over mine where I’d twisted the scarf tight.
    I glanced at her worried face and took a deep breath. Said something flippant so that she smiled. The boys jumped out of the water and raced over to a climbing frame. Maggie and I sat on, our feet cool in the water. ‘I’m going to find out why she left,’ I murmured. ‘And I’m going to get her back.’
    Maggie stared at me. ‘It’s okay, kiddo,’ I said. ‘I haven’t lost my marbles. Come on, I’ll give you a swing.’
    I suddenly felt better. I wouldn’t just shrug my shoulders and get on with it the way we always did with problems. I would fight. I shoved hard at the swing; they weren’t going to change me.
    We went home and the boys were wet