my feasts it says Lent everlasting
then of a sudden Hallowmas no summer that year if it is the same not much real spring
my sack thanks to my sack that I keep dying in a dying age
my tins all sorts dwindling but not so fast as appetite different shapes no preference
but the fingers know no sooner fastened at random
dwindling in what strange wise but what is strange here undiminished for years then of a sudden half as many
these words of those for whom and under whom and all about the earth turns and all
turns these words here again days nights years seasons that family
the fingers deceived the mouth resigned to an olive and given a cherry but no preference
no searching not even for a language meet for me meet for here no more searching
the sack when it’s empty my sack a possession this word faintly hissing brief void
and finally apposition anomaly anomaly a sack here my sack when it’s empty bah I’ve
lashings of time centuries of time
centuries I can see me quite tiny the same as now more or less only tinier quite tiny
no more objects no more food and I live the air sustains me the mud I live on
the sack again other connexions I take it in my arms talk to it put my head in it
rub my cheek on it lay my lips on it turn my back on it turn to it again clasp it
to me again say to it thou thou
say say part one no sound the syllables move my lips and all around all the lower
that helps me understand
that’s the speech I’ve been given part one before Pim question do I use it freely
it’s not said or I don’t hear it’s one or the other all I hear is that a witness I’d
need a witness
he lives bent over me that’s the life he has been given all my visible surface bathing
in the light of his lamps when I go he follows me bent in two
his aid sits a little aloof he announces brief movements of the lower face the aid
enters it in his ledger
my hand won’t come words won’t come no word not even soundless I’m in need of a word
of my hand dire need I can’t they won’t that too
deterioration of the sense of humour fewer tears too that too they are failing too
and there another image yet another a boy sitting on a bed in the dark or a small
old man I can’t see with his head be it young or be it old his head in his hands I appropriate that heart
question am I happy in the present still such ancient things a little happy on and
off part one before Pim brief void and barely audible no no I would feel it and brief
apostil barely audible not made not really for happiness unhappiness peace of mind
rats no no rats this time I’ve sickened them what else at this period part one before
Pim vast stretch of time
the hand dips clawing for the take instead of the familiar slime an arse on his belly
he too before that what else that’s enough I’m going
not the shit not the vomit something else I’m going the sack tied to my neck I’m ready
first thing free play for the leg which leg brief void and barely audible the right
it’s preferable
I turn on my side which side the left it’s preferable throw the right hand forward
bend the right knee these joints are working the fingers sink the toes sink in the
slime these are my holds too strong slime is too strong holds is too strong I say
it as I hear it
push pull the leg straightens the arm bends all these joints are working the head
arrives alongside the hand flat on the face and rest
the other side left leg left arm push pull the head and upper trunk rise clear reducing
friction correspondingly fall back I crawl in an amble ten yards fifteen yards halt
sleep duration of sleep I wake how much nearer the last
a fancy I am given a fancy the panting stops and a breath-clock breath of life head
in the bag oxygen for half an hour wake when you choke repeat five times six times
that’s enough now I know I’m rested my strength restored the day can begin these scraps
barely audible of a fantasy
always
Maggie Ryan, Blushing Books