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pains he had because of his disease were unbearable but drugs seemed to make things better.  While they did not kill the pain, they brought such apathy that nothing mattered anymore – not even the pain.
     
    He considered his options again and his damaged mind confirmed that there were only two.  Option one was to get married and make Annika have their child.  They had discussed the issue several times, since he had always wanted kids, but each time Annika refused.  She was too young; he had a genetic disease; she did not want such a responsibility; he was a drug addict – her arguments were many and all of them were well-founded.  Stefan knew she was right, but his desire was stronger and he did not give a shit about any of her arguments.  He thought that if she loved him as much as she said she did, Annika would do it for him, even if she didn't want to.
     
    The second option looked less cheerful, but was equally compelling and would completely change the situation – much more drastically than the first one.  Stefan thought that if he couldn't have kids, then there was no sense in living.  Not because he wanted kids that much, but because he knew that if it didn’t happen, then things would never get better and sooner or later Annika would leave him.  And then his home would be as empty, cold and unpleasant as it was now.  He would be alive but dead inside.  So the word suicide was turning around the second option.
     
    Annika came home later in the evening.  She walked the streets just to kill time.  She sat in the park for a few hours thinking and, unlike Stefan, could find neither a solution nor reach any conclusion.  She just could not go home and look at Stefan... not yet.  She needed time to gather her strength and patience.  When it started getting dark, she headed home.  No matter what happened she still had the feeling that she belonged there and with him.  Maybe that's what bothered her so much – the realisation that she would not be able to leave him, no matter what happened.
     
    When she came in she saw Stefan pouring coffee with trembling fingers.  The time for his fix had passed half an hour ago, but he wanted to talk to her before taking it and had decided to wait a bit more.  The strangest thing is that it had never even occurred to him that she might not come back.  He knew she would and that certainty made him warm inside.  He felt good about it, regardless of what deep shit they were in at present.
     
    She looked at his trembling hands and felt the reality and pain hit her chest.
     
    “Want a cup of coffee?” he asked.
     
    His voice was concerned.  He did not ask where she’d been and what she’d been doing, because he suspected the answer and knew that he would not like what she'd say.
     
    “No, thanks.  I am already quite jumpy without it.”  Her voice was weak and she felt weary.
     
    Annika sat on the floor with her back to the wall.  She pushed off her shoes with her feet and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall.  Stefan watched her with the coffee cup in his hands and felt how much he loved her.  He knew that it was he who was destroying everything between them and creating the barrier, but there was nothing he could do. 
     
    Stefan came closer, sat next to her and hugged her tight.  She put her face on his shoulder and started sobbing uncontrollably.  The tears poured out and replaced the unspoken words.  He could hear the unspoken words though,  “Why are you destroying what we have and which is so precious?”  “What have I done wrong?”  “Why isn't our love stronger than drugs?”  “Is there a way to save us?”  “I don’t want to lose you.”  “I don't want to lose us.”  “Please come back!”  “I miss you”.  The tears poured endlessly; his shoulder absorbed the unspoken words.
     
    They sat like that for hours, each enveloped in their own misery.  Annika was sunk in the feeling of loss and Stefan in