work. She was ready to do anything to shake him out of his apathy but, as time passed, Stefan was sinking ever deeper.
Annika was so desperate that she even almost killed them once. It was yet another grey day, like all the days in her life had been recently. Another grey, meaningless, empty, painful day... She was driving and Stefan was slumped next to her. He was almost lying down in fact. As always at that time of day Stefan was high and indifferent. Annika wanted to shake him, to provoke him and to make him come back to life at least for a second. She wanted him to feel something. It didn't matter what... Just to feel something so she knew he was alive or at least he knew there was someone who cared...
Feeling as if she'd got nothing to lose, she decided to touch on the most extreme and painful topic – death.
They were at a crossroads, waiting at a red light, when she said:
“You always talk about death Stefan, you want it to come, and you want to stop existing... What about today? Are you ready to die now? – Let's do it and finish everything. We both know that everything is already finished anyway, so what the fuck?”
Annika's eyes filled with tears. Tears were not there because of what she said or planned to do. They were there because she knew that even if she did do it, nothing would change anyway. And in some way, for her that was worse than death.
He looked at her and smiled.
“You think you're brave enough? You think you've got the guts? No, my dear, you’re too weak and too scared to do it. I don't believe you can, so don't even try.” He turned his head and looked out of his window. For him the subject was closed.
Annika had wanted to provoke Stefan, but what actually happened was that Stefan’s words touched painful wounds and Annika lost her emotional balance. She lost control...
Annika stood on the accelerator as hard as she could. The pedal hit the floor and the car flew ahead. She saw the lamp-post ahead, turned the wheel and headed straight for it.
Stefan didn’t try to save the situation as he had the day they met – at the bus stop. In fact he didn't even move. The car sped straight towards the pillar. Just a few more seconds and then the sound of the crash rent the air. The lamp-post buckled in half, the whole front of the car was completely smashed. Annika's legs took the impact, but emotions masked the pain.
Stefan looked at her, took off his glasses and chuckled.
“Bravo, you did it!”
His face expressed nothing. The apathy was there as before and the crash had not touched him at all. Annika could not stand the empty look in his eyes anymore. She got out of the car and cried at him.
“Fuck you!”
He did not move. Annika stopped a passing taxi and got in, leaving him there.
She sat in the taxi, her legs trembling, crying uncontrollably. She had had too close a brush with death, but even that was not enough to make things better. She felt helpless and already knew for sure that there was no longer anything more that she could do.
Meanwhile Stefan sat in the car as before. He did not move, nor did he feel anything. All that went through his mind was that in about two hours the effects of the drug would have worn off and he had to be home before that to take a new shot.
****
When he got home, Annika wasn’t there. This was how his home would be without her, he thought, empty, cold and unpleasant. He did not want to lose her but knew he was going to, unless something very dramatic happened. It did not take him too long to understand which two options they had. In his drug-disillusioned mind, quitting drugs was no option, letting her help him get out of it was not an option... nor was rehab an option either. He did not really want to quit because, despite the damage drugs did to him, they helped him endure his pain. The
Annika was so desperate that she even almost killed them once. It was yet another grey day, like all the days in her life had been recently. Another grey, meaningless, empty, painful day... She was driving and Stefan was slumped next to her. He was almost lying down in fact. As always at that time of day Stefan was high and indifferent. Annika wanted to shake him, to provoke him and to make him come back to life at least for a second. She wanted him to feel something. It didn't matter what... Just to feel something so she knew he was alive or at least he knew there was someone who cared...
Feeling as if she'd got nothing to lose, she decided to touch on the most extreme and painful topic – death.
They were at a crossroads, waiting at a red light, when she said:
“You always talk about death Stefan, you want it to come, and you want to stop existing... What about today? Are you ready to die now? – Let's do it and finish everything. We both know that everything is already finished anyway, so what the fuck?”
Annika's eyes filled with tears. Tears were not there because of what she said or planned to do. They were there because she knew that even if she did do it, nothing would change anyway. And in some way, for her that was worse than death.
He looked at her and smiled.
“You think you're brave enough? You think you've got the guts? No, my dear, you’re too weak and too scared to do it. I don't believe you can, so don't even try.” He turned his head and looked out of his window. For him the subject was closed.
Annika had wanted to provoke Stefan, but what actually happened was that Stefan’s words touched painful wounds and Annika lost her emotional balance. She lost control...
Annika stood on the accelerator as hard as she could. The pedal hit the floor and the car flew ahead. She saw the lamp-post ahead, turned the wheel and headed straight for it.
Stefan didn’t try to save the situation as he had the day they met – at the bus stop. In fact he didn't even move. The car sped straight towards the pillar. Just a few more seconds and then the sound of the crash rent the air. The lamp-post buckled in half, the whole front of the car was completely smashed. Annika's legs took the impact, but emotions masked the pain.
Stefan looked at her, took off his glasses and chuckled.
“Bravo, you did it!”
His face expressed nothing. The apathy was there as before and the crash had not touched him at all. Annika could not stand the empty look in his eyes anymore. She got out of the car and cried at him.
“Fuck you!”
He did not move. Annika stopped a passing taxi and got in, leaving him there.
She sat in the taxi, her legs trembling, crying uncontrollably. She had had too close a brush with death, but even that was not enough to make things better. She felt helpless and already knew for sure that there was no longer anything more that she could do.
Meanwhile Stefan sat in the car as before. He did not move, nor did he feel anything. All that went through his mind was that in about two hours the effects of the drug would have worn off and he had to be home before that to take a new shot.
****
When he got home, Annika wasn’t there. This was how his home would be without her, he thought, empty, cold and unpleasant. He did not want to lose her but knew he was going to, unless something very dramatic happened. It did not take him too long to understand which two options they had. In his drug-disillusioned mind, quitting drugs was no option, letting her help him get out of it was not an option... nor was rehab an option either. He did not really want to quit because, despite the damage drugs did to him, they helped him endure his pain. The
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