Guarded Hearts Read Online Free PDF Page A

has always been clear is that you have never wanted to end up like your mother. I had nothing to do with that. Anyone else would have completely given up with what you have gone through since early on. Because some of us aren’t as strong as we would like to believe we are, even if we have a complete support system in our lives. I admire you, Livi, you are my sister. My platonic other half. I just want you to value yourself worth, because I would love for you to see yourself like I see you.”
    “I wish I could, but when you’re told since you are little that you are worthless, you let it define you. I can’t change what I feel or who I am completely. I can just pretend and carve my life away from her. But there are times I can still hear her voice when I’m doing something and don’t get it right, saying, ‘stupid, dumb niña, never can do anything right just like your asshole of papa.’ ”
    I sigh at the memory of her voice reverberating in my ear. I hate that I can’t block her voice during moments that I just want silence. The only thing I am grateful for is that she has no place in my life now. And I know that in a certain way I should be grateful to her because she made me work harder to leave all that shit behind. I just hope that with time and distance my worth will make an appearance.
    I know it’s my predisposition to love her since she is my mother, but how can a woman give birth to a child and destroy that child and call themselves a mother? That bond that we formed when I was in her womb is broken, she beat it out of me a long time ago. That is why I decided to protect my heart from all her vileness, because I didn’t want her to contaminate it with her hatred. I knew that at some point in my life I would still want to fall in love with someone, to have that warm fuzzy feeling when you mean something to someone in the world even if it’s just one person. As all the memories of my childhood come flooding back, my eyes start to water.
    “Livi, don’t be sad. Remember that we have a hell of a party to go to tonight, one that my BFF organized and also found us some sexy dresses and kick ass heels. Let’s show all these football players what they’re missing, and I can’t believe Nix agreed to DJ for us tonight.” She laughs and gives me a hug. I need her in my life. She is my divine intervention, my night light in my own personal darkness.
    “Yeah, you are right. Let me shake this fugly funk I have,” I say as I shake my body, pretending that I can get rid of all the bad memories just with a shake of the body.
    “You are going to look smoking hot in the red dress tonight,” Mandy tells me.
    “Whatever. I just hope Brett gets super wasted tonight so I only have to deal with a few kisses before he passes out,” I say, rolling my eyes at Mandy.
    “He is not going to like it when he finds out that you’ve been playing him,” she says.
    “He won’t. He’s too stupid to realize that we haven’t had sex. I always make sure he is super drunk when we go to his room.” For the past month I have been pretending that our relationship has moved to a sexual one, but I always make sure he is drunk when he moves from second base to homerun, because he usually passes out. Then I change into his shirt and snuggle with him, so I can wake up in his arms the next day. We haven’t had sex. My fear in getting pregnant is beyond normal. I know Mandy worries for my safety because Brett is a bullying jerk, but I learned a thing or two from my mother and her cohorts. Some people are just all bark and no bite, and that is what Brett is.
    Walking back into the house, Kylie shouts, “What time are we heading out to the party?”
    Looking over at Mandy, I am not sure what to answer. I just stepped a foot into the house and I didn’t know how long I would take to beautify myself. “Um, two hours,” I reply a little hesitantly.
    “Two hours? What are you going to do, wax your entire body? We need to be there to