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surveys,
Cosmopolitan
magazine asked men if ‘they secretly check out another man’s equipment’ when standing at a urinal in a public toilet; it also asked if they would prefer to have a 3-inch penis and earn £100,000 a year or have a 10-inch penis and earn £10,000. The survey was, of course, essentially frivolous and without doubt attracted its share of frivolous answers. Nonetheless, the response was revealing. To question one, 82 per cent of respondents said ‘never’, 16 per cent said ‘sometimes’ and 2 per cent said ‘always’, whereas in practice the reverse order might be more likely – the instinct to take a surreptitious look is so powerful that many men do it without realising; and many who don’t, consciously resist their instinct only because it breaches social etiquette – other than, perhaps, in gay clubs.
    Waiting in the ringing brightness of the lavatory, he felt a tinge of loneliness, and wondered where Danny was. Everyone was busy here, men in pairs queuing for the lock-ups, others in shorts or torn jeans nodding tightly to the music, caught in their accelerating inner worlds. A guy in fatigues half-turned and beckoned him over to share his stall – Alex leant on his shoulder and looked down at his big curved dick peeing in intermittent spurts. He unbuttoned and slid in his hand and…there it was, so shrivelled that he shielded it from his friend, who said, ‘You’re all right, you’re off your face,’ and, ‘You can do it,’ and then, hungrily, ‘Well, give us a look,’ while he stroked himself and stared and stared. (
The Spell
, Alan Hollinghurst)
    ‘Almost every male seems to envy someone else’s penis,’ wrote Dr Bernie Zilbergeld in
The New Male Sexuality.
Woody Allen had already got there in the 1983 film
Zelig
with the line: ‘I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. He thought it should be limited to women.’
    To return to the
Cosmo
question about penis size and money, which like the other nudged respondents towards the ‘appropriate’ reply (if, that is, they wished to appear mature), 42 per cent said ‘yes’ to the ‘inappropriate’ second option – a powerful indication, one might surmise, of how irresistible is men’s desire for a greater-than-average penis.
    Is it any wonder that
Forum
, the international journal of sexual relations, thinks it has ‘probably printed more words about penises than any other part of the body, male or female’ (no surprise that a number of its articles on the subject over the years have been headlined ‘Man’s Best Friend’); or that the most frequent question on all Internet Q&A sex sites continues to be, Is size important? A downloadable chart of four outline drawings (‘low average’ to ‘extraordinarily large’) can be found on the net, which a man can print out and use as a template against which to judge himself. There should be solace for the average man in knowing that he is statistically within touching distance, as it were, of some 90 per cent of all his fellows. But even the most balanced of men is capable of half-believing that he is under-endowed – the Hunt survey for
Playboy
in the 1970s indicated that more than two-thirds of men thought that ‘something more in their shorts would make a difference’; and ‘the majority’ of the 7,000 men interviewed by Shere Hite for
The Hite Report on Male Sexuality
‘wished they were bigger’. Many American men, according to the Kinsey Institute, believe the average erection is 10 inches – this despite (or because of) frequently accessing Internet pornography in which participants have shaved off their pubic hair to increase visibility and many have used a vascular device to pump up temporarily.
    If few men would say no to having a bigger penis, most are not so discontented with what they have that they seek the means of achieving it. There have always been supposed ways and means. The world’s oldest sexual guide, the
Kama