Girlvert: A Porno Memoir Read Online Free PDF Page A

days made me jumpy. I was incredibly high. I’m not sure if I would have made it if I hadn’t been on drugs. Coke helped me ignore the risks I was taking. I proceeded without caution. My life was in the moment. Nothing wrong with that, right? Buddhists live their lives that way, like the om ? I told myself giant heaps of nonsense to rationalize the hazards that I put myself in daily. Ed showed me where to get ready, in his large bathroom upstairs, next to the master bedroom. Perfect, because I had to do some more coke before we started. I stayed in there with the door shut for quite a while, doing line after line and brushing my hair a lot. Tyler joined me for a couple lines and warned me not to do it all. I had a way with coke, usually finishing it all in the first thirty minutes.
    My boyfriend led me to where the action was to take place. Ed snapped some photos of us standing side by side with our shirts off, and then he shot some just of me. We might as well have stepped off a Greyhound bus from Arkansas. There was a tripod with a video camera set up, pointed directly at a four-poster bed. It was all completely generic, cheap sheets on the bed. Ed was the king of this amateur formula, and he definitely nailed the décor. I can’t remember what I said in response to the light interview Ed wanted for the intro to the sex. I am sure my nose was red and running the whole time. I was so fucked up and nervous. I just wanted to look good. A lot of the naked bodies on the boxes of porn movies were unflattering. With that camera pointed at me, alone, I was hot and sweaty, the bright lights frozen on my twitchy face. Now I was supposed to tell the camera—and everyone who would watch the video—what my name was, and where I was from. “Ashley, from Southern California,” I said.
    When the sex began, I was able to relax. Crazy sex was what I went there to do, and felt more familiar than talking to the camera. My racing mind shut off, and my body came alive. It was hardcore, since that was what Tyler and I liked. He shoved the back of my head as I deep-throated his cock, and then Ed’s. Ed’s cock was extremely small. He was very polite with it, too. He didn’t like any rough stuff. He even wore a condom. Both sex partners stayed completely hard during it all. I was impressed because of Ed’s age and the amount of cocaine Tyler had done before we started. Coke is usually kryptonite to an erection.
    It was the ultimate kink experience. I didn’t think I would like porno as much as when we fucked other people at home. The presence of the camera was intimidating and sexy in the same way that a person who was way out of my league was. How did I look in front of it? Was I hot enough for it? Even though I still wasn’t entirely confident about myself, I wanted to be the most beautiful thing that ever fucked. It meant something greater than what we were actually doing. Yeah, the three of us were fucking, but there was going to be an audience for it. In my head, I was everywhere, the future, the present; I was getting fucked while smiling and trying to enjoy myself. This first scene was telling me that I liked doing porn.
    Ed’s body wasn’t one I would normally fuck, with that big, white belly. My focus wasn’t on him so much as it was the idea of him. I was high and completely into the idea of letting this older guy fuck my ass and pay me for it. It was for a movie. It wasn’t real life. My relationship was with that camera, and I wanted to turn it on and shock it. I wanted to shove it in the faces of everyone who would be watching someday: I was wild, a crazy girl, and I didn’t care. I was an exhibitionist.
    Tyler loved to see me get fucked by other guys, so long as he was a part of it. Not only did it bring us together in a new and unusual way, there was just as much importance put on bonding with the other men. Tyler wanted to create and strengthen friendships with the other guys fucking me, in a brotherly or fraternal