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your psyche.’
    â€˜Will I know what you’re doing?’ I asked.
    â€˜Of course. I’m just helping you relax. You’re in control the whole time.’
    I sat back in one of the chairs. Carla began by getting me to imagine I was lying on my back in an empty field.
    â€˜Feel the touch of the grass under your hands; smell the sweet, fresh air . . .’
    Sounds weird, I know. But actually it was kind of fun. After a while, I found myself really getting into it.
    Carla cleared her throat. Her bangles jangled like wind chimes. ‘I’m going to count backwards from ten,’ she said in this low, soothing voice. ‘With each number you’re going to let go, feel your body sink into a deep sleep. But your higher consciousness will stay awake and alert. Ten. Nine. Eight . . .’
    With each number my body sank lower and lower into the chair. I felt deliciously soft and relaxed.
    â€˜. . . Three. Two. One.’
    My whole body sank down, deep against the chair. Itwas the strangest feeling. My body was asleep. But I was, like, totally awake.
    â€˜Good, good,’ Carla’s voice was a soft drone. ‘Now you are three years old. What do you see?’
    At first I didn’t see anything. I tried imagining being three. Teddy bears. Ball pits. Playing with dolls. Nothing.
    Jeez. This was a total waste of time.
    I stopped trying and just let myself be heavy in the chair.
    Then, without warning, an image popped into my head. I was little. Very little. I had a red plastic bucket in my hand. The ground was yellow. It moved under my feet.
    â€˜Where are you now?’ Carla said.
    In my memory I wriggled my toes. Sand. I was on a beach. The sun shone. The sea roared behind me. I waved at a woman further up the beach. The sun glinted on her hair, on her white dress. She looked like an angel. But she was real. She waved at me. She laughed. Then she turned away and ran towards some rocks. Her long black hair streamed down her back. I dropped the bucket. I had to follow her. Find her. See her face.
    â€˜Lauren, Lauren.’ As Carla’s voice brought me back to the present, the woman in my memory vanished. A sense of terrible, swamping loss flooded through me.
    â€˜I’m going to count up to ten,’ Carla said. ‘With each number your body will awaken. By the time I reach ten you will be fully awake.
    â€˜. . . Eight, Nine, Ten.’
    I opened my eyes. I was back in the Room of Utter Peace. Evie, Elsie and Tom were winking at me from their shelf.
    There was a crushing weight on my heart.
    Carla smiled encouragingly. ‘How do you feel?’ she asked.
    Empty. Sad. Alone
.
    â€˜Fine,’ I said. ‘Nothing happened though.’
    Carla fluffed out her hair. ‘Never mind, darling. We can always try again another time.’
    I curled the memory up in my hands. I was Martha. And the dark-haired woman on the beach was my real mother. I had no proof. But in my heart I was sure.
    I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Before, I’d
wanted
to know about my past. Now I totally
needed
to know.
    I lay awake most of that night, trying to decide what to do. It all came down to the Marchfield Agency. I checked on the net – it was still in Vermont. Taylor Tarsen was still director.
    I knew my adoption file would be stored there. Surely that would contain clues about what really happened?
    Yes. That file was my starting point. And if the agency wouldn’t show it to me, I was just going to have to go to Marchfield and steal a look at it for myself.
    Whatever it took.

7
    Holiday
    Rory was in the living room, whirling about with a toy sword. His current obsession is
Legends of the Lost Empire
. Not just the film, which he’s dragged Dad to three times, but the book (on audio CD, natch) and the PC game. We even have to have this revolting cereal so he can collect all the
Legends of the Lost Empire
plastic characters.
    â€˜Show me your moves, Rory,’ I