Giggling Into the Pillow Read Online Free PDF

videos starring my parents
and my schoolmates
     
My first time was:
a. gentle and loving, with someone I cared
about
b. wild and animalistic, with someone
handy
c. a carefully crafted media event to help
debut my new perfume
d. as number #257 and #263 in the “World’s
Largest Gang-Bang 2”
e. recorded by three separate amateur
astronomers on two different continents as a new sighting
     
Safe sex means:
a. condoms, foam, those little rubber things
the girl sticks in
b. getting a complete blood test and medical
history back to the crib
c. wearing your seatbelt during
d. making sure the knots are within
reach
e. knee pads, support cables, two burly
spotters, and making sure the safety is on
     
What’s the longest sex act you’ve ever
experienced?
a. an honest 3 minutes, by God!
b. halftime
c. the duration of the cab drive from Camden
to Parliament, not counting the stop for drinks and
preventatives
d. the duration of the plane trip from New
York to Zurich, not counting the break for dinner but including the
movie
e. it began on Bastille Day, 1991, and has
been peaking steadily since
     
You discover that your new lover is
married. What do you do?
a. end it immediately, it’s not worth the
heartache
b. continue until discovery is imminent,
then get the hell out
c. stay in the relationship until you have
drained it of every drop of potential pleasure, then bring the
whole marriage down in flames
d. leave immediately, preventing closure,
then make a point of re-entering your lover’s life in a dramatic
fashion every few years to keep things interesting
e. immediately seduce your lover’s spouse as
well, either simultaneously or in sequence, to keep things
fair
     
Oral sex is:
a. okay, I guess
b. better than anything on this earth,
except for the World Cup
c. the best way to shut someone up,
ever
d. the very best way to say “good
morning!”
e. the only proper study of a lifetime
     
How far will you go on a first date?
a. a chaste kiss, if the rest of the date
has been agreeable
b. a passionate kiss, if we really hit it
off
c. oral sex, either as a promise or as the
best way to get them to leave
d. an all-nighter, but only if it’s
understood that I never do that sort of thing, that’s what I always
say
e. I might be willing to conceive a child,
but the medical fees have to be Dutch treat
     
Anal sex is:
a. dirty and nasty and specifically
prohibited by God
b. okay, if you must insist, but only for a
special occasion such as an anniversary or perfect bowling game,
but get it over with and don’t ever tell anybody or I’ll poison
your coffee
c. something to be approached with care,
with someone you love and trust implicitly
d. something to be approached with bear
grease
e. what you do after everything else on your
body is used up
     
I think the first time you make love to a
new person, you should:
a. be very certain that this is what both of
you want, and then go slowly and gently
b. get good and drunk and go at it like
crazed ferrets
c. be respectful and get her aroused
gradually, using just the one fist
d. probably get their name, at some
point
e. probably discover their gender, at some
point
     
If someone ever took nude pictures of you,
how would you respond?
a. with affronted dignity and the barest
suggestion of a possible lawsuit
b. with flattered “thank you”s
c. with wild sex and some photography of my
own
d. with tips on lighting and
composition
e. with legal injunctions against sale or
distribution until contracts can be signed that grant me all rights
regarding reproduction in any and all forms of media, especially
cinematic productions or webcasts
     
After sex, how long do you wait until you
tell your best friend?
a. until after the relationship is over
b. until the next day, at lunch
c. until I can reach the phone without
offending
d. until I can figure out which of the
tangle of bodies in the bed is my best friend
e. I never tell, they can damn well buy the
book like everybody