lifeboat is leaving!
VIOLIST:
(sobbing)
What are we going to
do
?
CELLIST: Let’s keep playing! Maybe if we do it loud and fast enough, one of the boats will hear us and come back!
DRUMMER: It’s our only chance.
Acupuncture school
According to the U.S. Bureau of Medical Statistics, it can take up to four years to obtain a degree in acupuncture.
FIRST YEAR
PROFESSOR: Okay, at this point, you’ve learned how to diagnose patients and insert needles into their bodies. But you still haven’t learned the most important acupunctural skill: keeping a straight face. Remember, if you start to laugh during a session, the patient will realize he’s being scammed. That means, somehow, you’re going to have to do all of this crazy stuff without laughing. Now, repeat after me:
The full body needle treatment costs two hundred dollars.
STUDENT: The full body needle treatment…costs…it costs…
(Laughs.)
PROFESSOR: I know. It’s not easy. Try this:
Your pathways will soon be cleansed by flowing energy.
STUDENT: Your pathways…
(Laughs.)
…I’m sorry…it’s too crazy.
PROFESSOR: It’s okay. You’re here to learn.
SECOND YEAR
STUDENT: Goddamn it, it’s so hard to keep a straight face!
PROFESSOR: I know, once the New Age music starts, it’s pretty hard not to completely lose it. Let’s take it from the top.
STUDENT:
(Clears throat.)
Hello, Mrs. Berman. I’m going to put on some soothing music to help you cleanse your mind. Then I’m going to take these needles and…
(Bursts into hysterical laughter.)
Damn it.
PROFESSOR: Don’t get discouraged.
THIRD YEAR
PROFESSOR: Okay, I’ll be the patient. When I complain about a symptom, you tell me there’s something wrong with my “chi.” Ready?
STUDENT: Yes.
PROFESSOR: I’ve been really stressed out lately. What do you think the problem is?
STUDENT: There’s something seriously wrong with your chi.
PROFESSOR: What’s chi?
STUDENT:
(Laughs.)
PROFESSOR: Okay, everybody, listen up. This is something you have to be prepared for. Sometimes a patient will ask you to define “chi” and you’ll have to give them some kind of answer without losing it. Otherwise, they’ll figure out that it’s a nonsense word. I always define it as “the flowing of life energy through the body.” Everybody try saying that.
STUDENT: The flowing of life…of life energy…
(Laughs.)
PROFESSOR: Let’s take a breather. This has been a lot for one day.
FOURTH YEAR
PROFESSOR: I’ve tried every other treatment in the city. Do you really think this acupuncture thing will work?
STUDENT: Absolutely. I believe there’s something seriously wrong with your chi.
PROFESSOR: What is chi?
STUDENT: The flowing of life energy through the body.
PROFESSOR: Life energy? What’s that?
STUDENT: A steady pulsing, as old as time, that lives inside our chakras.
PROFESSOR:
(Bursts into laughter.)
(pause)
PROFESSOR: My God…you have become the teacher and I have become the student.
STUDENT:
(blushing)
Thank you, sir.
The official rules of boxing
Here is a list of what is legal and illegal in boxing according to the official rules.
Hitting someone in the leg: illegal
Hitting a man in the ears, neck, and face as hard as you can, over and over again, for forty minutes straight: legal
Elbowing someone in the stomach: illegal
Hitting someone so hard in the head that part of his brain dies: legal
Grabbing someone’s gloves to stop him from hitting you in the face for a few seconds so you can take a breath and think things over like a reasonable person: illegal
Punching someone so hard in the eyes that blood shoots out of his eyes, ears, and mouth and he dies right there in the ring: legal
Wrapping your arms around your opponent to try to get him to stop murdering you for just a couple of seconds: illegal Hitting someone in the brain so hard, over and over again, that his brain stops working