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missionary said. “There’s no way in hell I’m going anywhere with any goddamn cannibals.”

Time machine
    As soon as my time machine was finished, I traveled back to 1890, so I could kill Hitler before he was old enough to commit any of his horrible crimes. It wasn’t as gratifying as I thought it would be.
             
    —Oh my God. You killed a baby.
    —Yes, but the baby was Hitler.
    —Who?
    —
Hitler.
It’s…complicated.
    —Officer? This man just killed a baby.

Amusement
    At some amusement parks, they mount cameras on the roller coasters and take your picture during the most intense part of the ride. Then, when the ride is over, they try to sell you the picture as a souvenir. Other businesses have tried the same scheme, with varying degrees of success.
    BURGER KING
    —How did you enjoy your Value Meal, sir?
    —It was great, thanks.
    —Would you like to buy this? It’s a photograph of you dipping your Whopper into the barbecue sauce.
    —Geez…I didn’t think anybody saw that.
    —We have cameras mounted everywhere.
    —Wow…that’s pretty humiliating.
    —So do you want to buy it? It’s five bucks.
    —Please, just…take it off the screen, okay?
    DOCTOR’S OFFICE
    —I’m sorry the tests turned out like they did. I promise we’ll do everything we can.
    —Thank you, Doctor. I really appreciate it.
    —No problem. Say…would you like to buy this photograph?
    —What is this?
    —It’s the face you made when I gave you your diagnosis.
    —Oh my God. How did you take this?
    —There’s a camera mounted behind the diplomas. When I’m about to say the diagnosis, I push this button and it takes a picture. What do you think? It’s five bucks.
    —I don’t want this. This is horrible.

Opium wars
    In the 1840s and ’50s, China waged war against England for importing addictive drugs into their country. The wars were unsuccessful.
             
    GENERAL: Are you men ready to lay down your lives for the good of China?
    FIRST SOLDIER: Yes, sir!
    SECOND SOLDIER: Absolutely!
    GENERAL: Excellent. Once we destroy those ships, the cursed British will never be able to poison our city with opium again.
    FIRST SOLDIER: What do you mean, sir?
    GENERAL: When we destroy the British ships, the opium trade will finally end.
    FIRST SOLDIER: End? I don’t understand.
    SECOND SOLDIER: Wait a minute…General…are you saying that we’re fighting
against
opium?
    GENERAL: Yes. Why did you think we were fighting the British?
    FIRST SOLDIER: I assumed it was to get them to send us
more
opium.
    SECOND SOLDIER: Same here. That’s probably the only reason I would ever fight anyone.
    GENERAL: … FIRST SOLDIER: Sir, have you ever tried opium?

Marathon
    In 490 B.C. , a Greek messenger named Pheidippides ran twenty-six miles, from Marathon to Athens, to bring the senate news of a battle. He died from exhaustion, but his memory lives on thanks to the “marathon,” a twenty-six-mile footrace named in his honor. I thought it would be neat to bring Pheidippides to a modern-day marathon and talk to him about his awesome legacy.
             
    ME: So, Pheidippides: What was it like to run the first “marathon”?
    PHEIDIPPIDES: It was the worst experience of my life.
    ME: How did it come about?
    PHEIDIPPIDES: My general gave the order. I begged him, “Please, don’t make me do this.” But he hardened his heart and told me, “You must.” And so I ran the distance, and it caused my death.
    ME: How did you feel when you finally reached your destination?
    PHEIDIPPIDES: I was already on the brink of death when I entered the senate hall. I could actually feel my life slipping away. So I recited my simple message, and then, with my final breath, I prayed to the gods that no human being, be he Greek or Persian, would ever again have to experience so horrible an ordeal.
    ME: Hey, here come the runners! Wooooh!
    PHEIDIPPIDES: Who are these people? Where are they going?
    ME: From one end of New York to the other.