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sexual hookups, before you met me.” I look at him with conviction and place my hand on my left hip.
     
    He’s breathing heavily but looks more rational now. He finally nods in agreement. “As long as you didn’t have any BDSM relationships while away,” he jokes. I shake my head with relief and laugh. I’m so proud of the fact that I just redirected his negative emotions in a healthy way. 
     
    “Alright can I start my story now?” I ask with humor in my voice as I sit on his couch. He sits across from me and crosses his legs.
     
    “Let’s hear it from the beginning, Megan,” he concedes while staring at my face wistfully.
     
    “When I first left, I flew to Britain. I’d read about a London city tour and couch option for three nights. The reviews from other users were really quite positive. The young woman whose home I visited was friendly, knowledgeable and helpful. I was so impressed with Westminster Abbey and its intricate stone carvings as well as its history.”
     
    Matt relaxes as I recount my first experience away from him.
     
    “Would you like some wine, Megan?” he asks, as we both get comfortable.
     
    “That would be lovely, thanks!”
     
    He makes his way to the kitchen and pours us both a generous amount of Chardonnay. When he returns, I take a brief swallow and launch into a story that I suspect will cause him more pain. He needs to know the truth though. Just not all of it tonight.
     

Chapter Four – Psychological Troubles
     
    MEGAN’s POV
     
    After I tell Matt about my time in London, I decide to head back to the condo that I now share with my former roommate, Kim. She invited me to stay in my old room when I came back to Portland. I felt more than grateful to see that the room still held a number of my things. Apparently, she hadn’t given up on me. No wonder I consider Kim my best friend forever.
     
    Before leaving Matt’s place, I give him a hug and quick peck on the cheek. He holds me cautiously.
     
    “When will I learn the rest of your story, Megan?” he quizzes me with a look of dread on his gorgeous face.
     
    I feel anxious and uncomfortable about how he’ll react to my adventures. He’s breathing in a shallow manner. However, I promised him that there’d be no secrets. I sigh in resignation.
     
    “Whenever you feel ready to hear or read about it, Matt. I did write a personal blog about it all, as it happened. I prefer to tell you about it in person though.”
     
    “I’ll let you know. Would you like a ride back to your place?”
     
    He’s so solicitous and kind but I don’t want to take advantage of him at this juncture.
     
    “I’ll just catch a cab and you can text me about when and where you’d like to talk again. By the way, I’m getting my old job back at the newspaper. This time around I’m working for a woman editor,” I gloat. I’m rather proud of the fact that I left my former job on good terms and that my skills are still appreciated.
     
    Matt laughs without mirth, “That won’t keep you out of trouble.” I shake my head and pat him goodbye. He looks forlorn and lost as I turn to leave. My poor baby. I want to love and trust him so much. That’s really the unstated fourth condition for our relationship. He needs to be convinced that I love him.
     
    I need to find a way to help him understand my dilemmas. What I did to him was unforgiveable. However the way I felt when he confessed that he loved and wanted me forever was frightened and even trapped. It brought back all of my fears about the false promises that love entailed.
     
    The issues I explored with Dr. Ginger earlier this year focused on my distrust of my mother, Abby, and her lovers. One day I broke down in my therapist’s office after making the connection between what I did with Matt and what happened with my mother. I choked out an especially salient story as the memories came flooding back.
     
    “Abby professed her motherly love for me and yet she didn’t protect me.