Fore! Play Read Online Free PDF Page A

have to swing harder.”
    “And oh yeah,” she adds. “After you’ve swung three times unsuccessfully, pick up your ball and leave. But remember to rake
     the sand. In golf, etiquette is very important.”
    She says if we are polite and not slow we will be welcome to play anywhere, despite being bad.
    “It should only take four to four and a half hours to play,” she says.
    “You mean for 9 holes,” says a student, speaking from experience.
    “Nooo,” says Liz, patiently, “that would be for the full 18.”
    After putting class, we take up scoring, which is something of a sore subject with this group. Liz’s first piece of advice
     is: “Once you’ve doubled par, pick up your ball and move on for the sake of golfers behind you. It’s just not that important
     if you get a 13 instead of a 14.”
    Liz defines terms like “eagle.”
    “Why would we need to know that?” a student asks. Good question. Occasionally we have to remind Liz how bad we are, like when
     she starts telling us that a red flag means the hole is on the front of the green, or how to toss grass to gauge windage,
     or reading yardage marks on sprinkler heads. We really don’t have much use for that kind of detailed information.
    Liz tells us of birdies, pars, bogeys, double bogeys, and more useful terms like triple bogey, which is something we can certainly
     all shoot for. Other useful terms include colorful phrases like “snowman,” which is an 8, and “picket fence,” which sounds
     like an 11.
    Naturally, students bring up cheating as a way to improve their scores. Liz doesn’t condone putting down a 6 when you shoot
     an 8, but admits that partners may not catch you or call you on it, providing money isn’t at stake.
    “A true golfer isn’t paying attention to
your
shots,” she says. “True golfers are only paying attention to their own.”
    I write that one down. I’ll want to use that to admonish any golf partner who accuses me of lying, e.g.: “If you were a
true
golfer you wouldn’t even have noticed I shot a 12 instead of a 6!” Bastard.
    Her other practical scoring tips include: “A whiff, where you swing and make no contact with the ball, doesn’t count.” Great
     news! Although the United States Golf Association disagrees.
    Also of immediate help: “If you hit a bad tee shot and the starter’s not watching, re-tee and hit again,” she advises. “My
     husband is good at this, very fast. He does it almost every time. He says: ‘If you can’t afford lots of balls, you shouldn’t
     be playing golf,’ and I always say, ‘But, George, 18 balls every round?’ ”
    “My husband is always reminding me that he’s better and always telling me what to do,” a student complains.
    “You don’t golf with someone so they can tell you what to do,” Liz replies. “If you golf as a couple, your husband is only
     there to tell you where your ball went, to fetch sodas, and to pay.”
    “Don’t
ever
play with your husband!” yells another woman, who has good reason. “The first time we played I was four months pregnant and
     he wouldn’t let me go back and pee. I had to go in the bushes.” I jot down a reminder to ask Liz about the rules of urination
     during our etiquette instruction.
    “My husband has an 8 handicap,” complains another student, “and I’ve played three times. It’s not fair.”
    “Well,” says Liz, “if he shoots 80 and you shoot 120, take your handicap and tell him you win.”
    Handicaps are our next class subject. Students are excited. Handicaps may be our only hope. My golf handicap is so high I
     should get to park in the specially marked spots by the front door at the grocery store. If there was a Special Olympics of
     golf, I’d be there. At this point they should stop calling it a handicap, and say I’m golf-challenged. Would it kill them
     to be a little
sensitive?
    Handicaps “level the playing field,” as they say, giving me a chance to “beat” anyone on the