Finding Ever After Read Online Free PDF Page B

nothing but disdain for me. I was shattered
Bas, and I stayed that way. You saw how I changed. I know you did. I wasn't
living, I was barely just existing .”
               
“What you went through would change anyone. Why didn’t you talk to me before it
got that bad, or hell even after it got that bad, I could’ve . . .”
               
“Could’ve what Bas?”
               
“I don’t know, done something. I would’ve done anything to make it better for
you.”
               
“I know Bas, and that’s exactly why I couldn’t. You were always saving me,
trying to protect me and keep anything bad from coming at me, and I love you
for that Bas, I do. You and your dad and Chris were all I had left after Mom,
but by trying to keep all the bad away and shelter me, I never faced any of it.
That didn’t mean it wasn’t still all there. You couldn’t keep stuff that bad
away. I just hid behind you.
    “I know you didn’t mean for it to happen, but by
treating me like a fragile china doll, that’s exactly what I became. I was
timid and I gave in, I quit living and just went through the motions. You can’t
imagine what it was like to look in the mirror senior year and realize I hadn’t
even participated in my own life, to not be able to find any trace of the
vibrant girl I used to be. I looked back on those four years, and really every
year since I lost Mom, and realized it was just a blur, one big canvas tinged
with loneliness, confusion and apathy. I wouldn’t have even gone out for the
soccer team if you hadn’t forced me to be there at the beginning of every
season.”
               
Every year I told him I was done, that it would be my last season. He wouldn’t
say a word, but then he would be outside my house every morning all summer
long, making me run and conditioning me, so that I would be ready when he
dragged my butt to the first day of practices just before school started back
up.
               
“I know you tried Bas, you did everything you could to keep me going, and you
were my rock, but nobody could force me to want more out of life. Not even you
could make me change if I didn’t want it myself, and I didn’t know how to want
it anymore, or where to even start the healing, but I knew it wasn’t going to
happen in Boston. My father wouldn’t let it. I was so scared of who I would
become if I continued on like that, I couldn’t let myself turn into him, I just
couldn’t. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you guys I was leaving or where I was
going or even say goodbye, but I knew if I tried, I wouldn’t be strong enough
to go, and I had to go.”
               
“If I had known that’s how you felt I wouldn’t have tried to make you stay, but
I could’ve gone with you so you weren’t completely alone out there.”
               
“I know you would’ve, and I was so tempted to ask you to come with me, but I
couldn’t let myself be that weak. I couldn’t do that to you, you were so
excited about starting B U, you had your plan all mapped out and you were going
after your dream. I couldn’t ask you to change that or put it on hold without
hating myself more than I already did.”
               
“Fuck.” He breathed out. “I guess I get why you had to go, but I don’t
understand why you couldn’t have called once you got where you were going.”
               
“I would’ve come home the second I heard your voice. I wasn’t in the best
place, alone with my thoughts and nightmares most of the time. Just about every
day that was almost enough to send me running back to what was familiar and
comfortable. I don’t know how to make it make sense for you, but I had to learn
how to be okay with just me. I needed time to figure out who that even was
before I could ever hope to work through my issues.”
               
“It makes sense, I still don’t like it, but I do understand. I wish