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who didn't shine until she was on a stage. She was the clumsiest person I
knew, the girl could trip over her own feet, but put her up on a stage or in
front of a camera and she broke out of her cocoon and shone like the brightest
star. "Please forgive me."
    I think those
words were what drove me over the edge, why would she need forgiveness if
nothing happened? This wasn't wild speculation from the tabs, these were her
own words sent to me privately again and again.
    My stomach
rolled again as I envisioned the pictures of him standing behind her, her small
frame enclosed in his arms. As long as I live I will never be able to erase
that shit from my mind. I felt anger building once again as I fought to hold
onto my sanity once more. Being here was helping though I could already feel
it. With my family hammering away at me and having other people's opinions
circulating in my head instead of just my own fuckery went a long way to easing
some of the pain that had had a choke hold on me for the last little while.
    I looked at her
text one last time before deleting I wasn't ready yet. I happened to hear a
snippet of an entertainment news broadcast as I was heading downstairs, of course
yours truly was the topic of conversation, who the fuck was on this time of
day? Fuck my life.

 
    Jonas and
Joshua sat on either side of me on the couch. Neither said anything just stared
as though waiting for something. I turned to Joshua the oldest by all of three
minutes but who played the big brother to the hilt.
    "Joshua..."
I broke.
    "Sssssh,
baby sis it's gonna be okay, hush now." When he enfolded me in his strong
arms I felt the first real relief I'd felt in a long long time. They weren't
the arms I needed but I would take this little bit of comfort for myself.
    I wondered
fleetingly how anyone overcame this pain, it felt as though it consumed every
part of me, my very pores felt saturated with pain, I breathed in pain and kept
it inside.
    "Dad says
you're not ready to talk but we just wanted you to know we're here for
you."
    I felt the
comfort of Jonas's hand as he rubbed my lower back. The feeling of love and
acceptance helped to keep the storm at bay.
    "That's
right sis, we're here if you need us."
    I could hear
the anger in Jonas's voice always the more volatile of the two I didn't know if
that anger was directed at me or the situation in general, and quite honestly I
was in no frame of mind to find out.
    "Have you
spoken to Gage?"
    Oh dad; my
chest concaved as I bawled even louder.
    "I guess
not."   That was his cryptic answer.
    "Breathe
Suzette, come on now, breathe for me."
    I was a ball of
agony in my brother's lap. The pain of my heart too overpowering for my five
two frame to bear.
    "Enough of
this shit, I'm calling Maddox and straightening this shit out."
    "Jonas..."
    " To hell
with that dad, they were together for almost four years and he just tossed her
aside like garbage because of this? He of all people should know how shit like
this can be manufactured, everyone knows all about how shit can be doctored to
look like something it's not."
    "Son we
don't know that it's not real Suzette hasn't said anything yet."
    "I don't
care, that's not my little sister my sister would never do such a fucked up
thing."
    "Language
boy..."
    I wailed so
loud I thought the rafters would fall on us. I knew I didn't deserve his faith
in me one more person betrayed by me.
    How had I
become this person? When did I lose myself and not even know it? Please let me
die, I want to die, I can't do this anymore, no more, please no more. There was
a flurry of movement all around me as the men in my family fought to calm my
severe panic attack.
    "Suzie
please calm down please." My father held me in his arms having snatched me
from Joshua's in fear. He rocked me back and forth like a child; I don't
remember him doing that since I was about five. He alternated playing with my
hair and rubbing my back to soothe me. Too bad only one thing could do that and
he was