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like this?”
    “You were getting all judgmental when you thought my brother was a necrophile.”
    “And I stand by that. I’m not going to do anything kinky. I’d just like to be the one to decapitate him if nobody else volunteers.”
    Carlton stepped away from the body. “Hey, you’re more than welcome to it. I’ll get you a hacksaw.”
    “In case you were wondering,” I told Jasper, “I do think you’re some kind of psycho. I absolutely do.”
    “That’s fine. At least I didn’t shoot him.”
    “Killing somebody is less depraved than severing their corpse’s head.”
    “No, it isn’t.”
    “Yes, it is. Everybody knows that. You shoot somebody, it’s revenge. You do shit to their dead body, it’s deviant.”
    “Only if I get sexual excitement out of it.”
    “That’s not the rule.”
    “I’m doing this because it would be an interesting new experience. And it’s something that needs to be done. If I saw a dead body on the street, there’s no way I would offer to walk over and decapitate it, but this body needs decapitating, so what’s the problem?”
    “I didn’t say there was a problem. All I’m saying is that you don’t get to play the ‘I’m Just A Regular Guy’ card.”
    “Enough!” said the face. “If he wants to sever the head upon which I will feed, let him sever the head! Why complicate this?”
    “Fine,” I said. Jasper could do whatever he wanted. I didn’t care. I didn’t say that out loud, because it would sound like I was being pouty, and I assure you that I wasn’t.
    Jasper sawed off Dirk’s head. He did not giggle while he did it, nor did he lick his lips, nor did he breathe quickly in a manner that might indicate sexual excitement, nor did he cackle, so ultimately I was okay with it and actually kind of relieved that we hadn’t been forced to draw straws or something.
    Carlton picked up the head by the hair. “All right,” he said. “Let’s do this.”

 
     
     
    6
     
    Felicia
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    “In my face,” I said.
    “For real?” asked Chester.
    I nodded.
    “You mean it? I’m allowed to do that?”
    “Uh-huh.”
    “That’s the most awesome thing ever,” said Chester, standing by the side of the bed and stroking to finish himself off. “I’ve seen it in movies and stuff, but chicks in real life are always, like, ‘Eeew! No!’ I can’t believe you’re really gonna let me do this. This is so great.”
    “Are you almost there?”
    “Yeah, almost. What if I get it in your hair?”
    “That’s fine.”
    “I’ll try not to, but I can’t always predict where it’s gonna go, you know? Oh, man, I really can’t believe I get to do this after all this time. You should probably close your eyes.”
    “I’ll be okay.”
    “No, really, if I get it in your eyes, I’d feel like crap. I still can’t believe I get to do this. You know what, though, let me move my pillow. I don’t mind getting it on the bed but I probably won’t do laundry until the morning and I’ve only got that one pillowcase.”
    I picked up the pillow and tossed it to the foot of the bed.
    “I didn’t mean that you had to do it. I was going to do it. But thanks. I guess I could flip the pillow over, but that would be kind of nasty. I should buy another pillowcase. It’s just not something I think about when I’m in town, you know?”
    “I need you to finish. I need to get back home.”
    “No snuggling?”
    “My husband will wonder where I am. Since when do you care about snuggling?”
    “Well, I guess I don’t, but this is a special occasion.”
    “Do you realize that you’ve now spent more time playing with yourself than you spent inside of me?” I didn’t mean for this to sound bitchy, but my spur-of-the-moment decision to let him finish on my face wasn’t supposed to turn into an actual conversation.
    “Hey, I could have kept going. I can go for eight or nine minutes sometimes. You’ve been there, right?”
    “I apologize for that,” I