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asked me whether I wanted “them all off.” Not fully understanding what she had said, I agreed. When she showed me the mirror, she had taken off my whole eyebrow. FML
    Today my wife and I were driving to a gas station. She let me out before she pulled up to the pump because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank, something she never does. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don’t own a diesel car. FML
    Today, for our two-year anniversary, I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML
    Today I drove my two kids to their friends’ houses. In my convertible, looking what I thought was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with a group of cute twenty-year-old girls out front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, “Keep driving, Dad. You’re fat, and Mom left you for a reason.” FML
    Today my best friend, whom I have been secretly in love with forever, was ranting about her ex-girlfriend. Then she said, “If only you were gay, we’d be perfect for each other.” So I took the chance to tell her that I was. She responded, “Well, I’m still not attracted to you.” FML
    Today I went to visit my grandmother, accidentally leaving my cell phone at home for the weekend. When I got back, I had two texts from my crush. One said, “I want to take the most beautiful girl to prom, go with me?” The other said, “Fine, fatty, I’ll ask someone else.” FML
    Today I was picking up my daughter from my ex-husband’s house, and his new girlfriend was there. I called to my daughter that it was time to leave, and she clung to his girlfriend, saying, “Mommy, I don’t want to leave.” She wasn’t talking to me. FML
    Today all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like “an abused housewife the day after.” I was fine. It was the first time I had gone to school without wearing any makeup. FML
    Today I was sitting in a restaurant with my best friend. We had competed in a pageant together earlier this month. A lady came up to my friend, who had been named first alternate, and said, “You were robbed of that title. You deserved to win. I hated the winner.” I was the winner. FML
    Today I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I’m gay. When I was typing the email address in the “To:” field, I didn’t notice, but it autocorrected to my mother’s address. She just responded, “You filthy faggot.” FML
    Today I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. I looked up and noticed that it was my car. FML
    Today, when a bartender carded my friends, I excitedly asked whether he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, “Look, lady, I don’t have time to stroke some middle-aged woman’s ego.” I had asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML
    Today I was at a dance. I was grinding with this guy, when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied, “Don’t flatter yourself. It was my phone.” FML
    Today I arrived at work, only to be arrested and accused of stealing over $8,000 from my employer. Five hours later, at the police station, the discovery was made that the actual thief had an employee ID that was one digit different from mine. He works at another location more than 1,200 miles away. FML
    Today I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He declined by telling me he never drinks coffee. We had met at Starbucks. FML
    Today my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone, and the lady calling said she was returning my boss’s call about the opening for a nanny position. I am