with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said, “You think you’re ready for a round two?” She replied, “No, but I do think I’m ready for the rest of round one.” FML
Today I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she’s seen me “walking near her house and waving at her” for the last two months. I’ve been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML
Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My teammates waved and said, “Bye, Pot-head!” They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn’t believe me. I’m grounded now because I have an abnormally shaped head. I’ve never smoked pot. FML
Today, three days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiancé is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just canceled a $200,000 wedding. I now have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML
Today, while I was driving my kids to school, my son said, “Why don’t you find another place to live, so we can just live with Daddy?” Then my daughter added, “Yeah, ’cause we love Daddy.” FML
Today I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I was madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling out “Marry me, Abby?” After seeing this, she locked herself in her room and cried for four hours, exclaiming that this wasn’t how she wanted to be proposed to. I had invited my entire family to see it. FML
Today I got braces. When we got in the car, my dad looked over and said, “Well, at least we don’t have to worry about boys for the next two years.” FML
Today I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was a sign outside a jewelry store that said “Engagement Rings—No interest for 12 months.” I said, “Look, baby! No interest.” He replied, “That’s right
… no interest.”
FML
Today I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool, a little girl ran up to me, pointed, and yelled, “Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up.” I’m sixteen. I’m a boy. FML
Today I finally told my best friend, whom I’ve secretly been in love with for two years, that I was in love with her, but at the last second I chickened out and said I was joking. She replied, “Don’t scare me like that. For a second, I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend.” FML
Today I was in the bank with my seven-year-old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away I heard his wife say, “I guess the father must be the good-looking one.” FML
Today I went to get a physical. The nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn’t one of the tests listed. FML
Today I was lying on the couch with my girlfriend. I looked at her and said, “You’re so beautiful. How did I ever get you?” She replied, “I was drunk.” FML
Today I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this, I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained, saying I had caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML
Today I was at a party, and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush’s turn to spin the bottle, so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed toward me! Then my crush said, “With her, it’d be ‘Seven Minutes in Hell.’ Just skip me.” FML
Today I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a Korean salon. I had never been there before, and it was hard to understand their accents. The women
Today I was questioned about a request for a restraining order filed against me by an old woman. According to the report, she’s seen me “walking near her house and waving at her” for the last two months. I’ve been her next-door neighbor for a year and a half. FML
Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My teammates waved and said, “Bye, Pot-head!” They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn’t believe me. I’m grounded now because I have an abnormally shaped head. I’ve never smoked pot. FML
Today, three days before my wedding day, I found out that my fiancé is sleeping with one of my bridesmaids. I just canceled a $200,000 wedding. I now have to help my family (who flew in from Poland, California, and Massachusetts) book flights back home. FML
Today, while I was driving my kids to school, my son said, “Why don’t you find another place to live, so we can just live with Daddy?” Then my daughter added, “Yeah, ’cause we love Daddy.” FML
Today I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I was madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling out “Marry me, Abby?” After seeing this, she locked herself in her room and cried for four hours, exclaiming that this wasn’t how she wanted to be proposed to. I had invited my entire family to see it. FML
Today I got braces. When we got in the car, my dad looked over and said, “Well, at least we don’t have to worry about boys for the next two years.” FML
Today I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was a sign outside a jewelry store that said “Engagement Rings—No interest for 12 months.” I said, “Look, baby! No interest.” He replied, “That’s right
… no interest.”
FML
Today I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool, a little girl ran up to me, pointed, and yelled, “Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up.” I’m sixteen. I’m a boy. FML
Today I finally told my best friend, whom I’ve secretly been in love with for two years, that I was in love with her, but at the last second I chickened out and said I was joking. She replied, “Don’t scare me like that. For a second, I thought I was going to have to find a new best friend.” FML
Today I was in the bank with my seven-year-old daughter, when I saw an old high school friend of mine with his wife. I said hello, and he commented on how beautiful my little girl was. I thanked him, and as I turned away I heard his wife say, “I guess the father must be the good-looking one.” FML
Today I went to get a physical. The nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn’t one of the tests listed. FML
Today I was lying on the couch with my girlfriend. I looked at her and said, “You’re so beautiful. How did I ever get you?” She replied, “I was drunk.” FML
Today I was serving a table full of drunk people. They used the candles on the table to set the table on fire. Noticing this, I ran to it and poured a pitcher of water on it. Then other tables complained, saying I had caused a disturbance. I got fired for putting out a fire. FML
Today I was at a party, and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush’s turn to spin the bottle, so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed toward me! Then my crush said, “With her, it’d be ‘Seven Minutes in Hell.’ Just skip me.” FML
Today I went to get my eyebrows waxed at a Korean salon. I had never been there before, and it was hard to understand their accents. The women
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