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help Fanny in her time of grief, and though I have a great affection for her that I do not have for other people, I think I could help them, too.
It has also been growing on me that I have a desire to live a good life, and though I would not say so to Tom, for fear of being laughed at, I think it is no bad thing. My father lives a good life and he is respected by everyone around him. I would like to be respected by those around me, too, for if I am respected I can set a good example and help others escape the miseries I see: the drink that has contributed to the poverty of Fanny’s family, so that they cannot afford to keep her, and the idleness and profligacy that are blighting Tom’s life. Wednesday 13 April
My father is delighted with my thoughts about the future, and he has promised me he wil do everything he can to assist me with a career in the church.
1805
MARCH
Tuesday 26 March
We are al in turmoil. Uncle Norris has died. I cannot believe it. He seemed so wel , and he was so young. He ate too much, to be sure, and drank perhaps too freely, but none of us expected this. My aunt has been bearing up bravely; Tom has spent the afternoon standing about looking grave and Papa has given his attention to al the business natural y fol owing on from the calamity. It has come as another burden to him at a time when he is already burdened with worries about his business affairs, and I am sorry I cannot do more to help him.
APRIL
Wednesday 3 April
Papa cal ed Tom into his study this morning, and Tom emerged an hour later looking sick and il . I was about to ask him what was wrong when I was summoned, and found myself closeted with Papa.
He looked very serious, and hummed and hawed as though he did not know how to begin.
‘This is a sad business, Edmund, a very sad business.’
‘Yes, sir.’ Then, as he did not seem to know how to continue, I added, ‘Mr. Norris always seemed so hearty. Apart from his gout, he was in good health. It has come as a shock to us al .’
‘Indeed, indeed.’ He col ected himself. ‘And it could not have come at a worse time. I had expected to give the living of Mansfield to you upon Mr. Norris’s death, for I was sure he would not die until you were old enough to be in holy orders, but this has put a new complexion on matters. I should, by rights, be giving the living to a friend to hold for you until you are old enough to claim it for yourself but, as you know, things have been going badly for me in Antigua and, as you perhaps do not know, Tom came home a few weeks ago with very heavy debts. I have settled them, of course, but his excesses have left me in difficulties. I blush for the expedient which I am driven on, but I am forced to sel the living of Mansfield. I only hope this might curb your brother at last, for he has robbed you for ten, twenty, thirty years, perhaps for life, of more than half the income which ought to be yours, and I am extremely sorry for it.’
‘It is no matter,’ I said, though in truth it was a blow. I had expected the living of Mansfield, and I had wanted it, for it was the very living to which I belonged.
‘You have taken it like a gentleman. You make me proud,’ he said with a grave smile. ‘I promise I wil do everything I can to make it up to you in the future if possible.’
We talked for some little time more and then he said I might go. I went out to the stables, thinking a ride would clear my head, and found Tom there, preparing to mount.
He was awkward, as wel he might be, and stammered out an apology, but he was soon making light of it.
‘It was not so very much money after al ,’ he said. ‘I was not half so much in debt as some of my friends. And besides, I am sure you wil not have to wait long for the living. As soon as the new incumbent dies the living wil revert to you, and he cannot live for ever.’
He suggested we ride together but I had no taste for his company and, without realizing what I was doing, I found myself