BLUCK
GLUCK LUCK BLUCK BLUCK!
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That made the Drastic fans quack.
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QUACK BLUCK COO
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Louder. Louder. Quacking and blucking till the floor vibrated and the walls shook.
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Quack Bluck
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âBuffalo Wings of Steel!â someone shouted.
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Coo BLUCK QUACK
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âWebbed Feet of Wonder!â
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BLUCK Quack COO
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âStupid Chicken is a featherbrain!â
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QUACK BLUCK COO
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âStupid Chicken will roast Drastic Duck on a spit!â
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Quack Bluck
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âPower Pigeon is Coo-Coo-Coolossal!â
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COO BLUCK
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BLUCK Quack Coo
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âQUACK QUACK QUACK ATTACK!â
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COO Coo Bluck
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âBLUCK BLUCKâYouâre outta LUCK!â
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BLUCK QUACK COO
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Then it got REALLY UGLY. With everyone pushing and shoving and twisting and bending and quacking and blucking and fighting and flapping and crying and crowing.
And three guesses who walked in.
You got it. Headmaster Upchuck.
âBernie,â he said. âWhatâs going on here?â
Chapter 14
C ALM AND Q UIET
A hush fell over the room. A few feathers floated down from the ceiling. Nothing else moved.
âWhatâs going on in here?â The Upchuck repeated, glaring at me.
âNothing, sir,â I said. âJust keeping things calm and quiet.â
He glared at me some more.
âKeeping it calm and quiet the way you wanted, sir,â I said. âWeâre just hanging out here calmly and quietly. Watching some science shows on TV. You know. Our favorite wildlife documentaries.â
He scratched his bald head. âScience documentaries?â
âYes, itâs Newt Week,â I said. âWe always try to catch the shows about newts. Itâs like a thrill.â
Iâm not sure the Headmaster believed me. He gave me the evil eye. âIâm watching you, Bernie. And guess what? Iâve been practicing cartwheels. Know why?â
âWhy, sir?â I asked.
âBecause Iâm going to do cartwheels across the Great Lawn when I send you home for good!â
âThat wonât be necessary, sir,â I said.
âRemember, Bernie,â Upchuck said, âcalm and quiet till Parentsâ Dayâor ELSE!â He made a slicing motion across his throat.
âNo prob, sir,â I said. I flashed him a sharp salute. âWe all love calm and quiet around here.â
As soon as he was out the door, the war started up again. Clucking and blucking, quacking and hacking, pushing and pecking, flapping and flipping.
Read my lipsâit was ugly.
Chapter 15
W HY D OES A C HICKEN H AVE T HREE T OES ?
The next afternoon, I sat daydreaming in Mrs. Heinieâs class. I dreamed about making big money by selling chickens and ducks to Chef Baloney in the dining hall.
Billy the Brain was talking. Thereâs a kid in every class who does all the talkingâright? In our class, Billy should be called Billy the Mouth!
âChickens are very interesting animals,â Billy was telling the class. âDid you know that they are actually hunting birds? Theyâve just forgotten how to hunt.â
Mrs. Heinie yawned. âThatâs very interesting, Billy,â she said.
Billy wasnât finished. âDid you know that chickens are the only animals who prefer to take a bath rather than a shower?â
Mrs. H. frowned at him. âBilly, thatâs a crock,â she said.
âThank you,â Billy replied. âDo you know why chickens only have three toes? Because theyâre born that way.â
âThatâs enough,â Mrs. Heinie snapped. She tossed a piece of chalk across the room and hit Billy right between the eyes.
âI assigned a short story last night,â she said. âHow many of you read one?â She squinted at us through her thick glasses.
No hands went up.
Mrs. H. picked up another piece of chalk. But she couldnât decide who to throw it at. âWhy
Rebecca Hamilton, Conner Kressley