over France way, and -â
âThree weeks Iâve been with her now,â Kiss continued, absent-mindedly finishing off his companionâs peanuts, âand what have we done? Go on, guess. Youâll never guess what weâve done.â
âProbably not.â
âNothing.â Kiss scowled. âAbsolutely bugger-all. Not proper genie stuff, anyway. Itâs all been ironing and shampooing the carpets and would you mind just running a duster over the sitting-room table? The score so far: ruby eyes of gods stolen, nil. Spirits of the dead raised, nil. Tail-feathers of firebirds plucked, nil. Hairs from the beard of the Great Cham abstracted, nil. Ankle-socks paired, fourteen. Potatoes peeled, thirty-two. Any more of this and Iâm going to appeal to the Tribunal, because it really isnât on. Have another?â
His companion glanced at his wrist (genies donât need watches but are nevertheless creatures of habit). âSince youâre offering,â he replied. âJust the one, mind, because Iâve got wealth beyond the dreams of avarice to fetch tomorrow, and youâve got to keep a clear head for these fiddly little jobs.â
Kiss nodded and went to the bar.
âTwo large djinns and tonic,â he said, âice and lemon in one.â
The bottle on the counter rocked backwards and forwards as if nodding, unstoppered itself and poured liquor into two glasses. Please note: customers who find theyâve left their money at home when dining at Saheedâs donât just get away with doing the washing-up.
âSounds like youâve got yourself a right little ray of sunshine, â his companion observed, as Kiss brought back the drinks. âWhat was that bit you said about further wishes?â
Kiss explained, again. His companion shook his head.
âIâm not sure about that,â he said, ânot sure at all. You should get the union rep to have a look at that for you. I mean, there must be something wrong with it, or else weâd all be in the smelly.â
âLousy precedent,â Kiss agreed.
âDiabolical. They could take it up as a test case.â
âYou reckon?â
âWorth a try.â His companion emptied his glass, wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his sixth arm, and stood up. âWell, be seeing you. Donât steal any glass eyes.â
âMind how you go,â Kiss replied absently. His companion withdrew, and a few moments later there was a brief outburst of muffled swearing as he discovered that while heâd been inside, some practical jokers had nailed his carpet to the carpet-park floor. (For the record, he arrived back home six hours late, soaking wet and frozen stiff, having had to make the return flight on a borrowed bar towel.)
Kiss lingered on until closing time, playing the video games in a desultory manner and beating the Dragon King of the South three times running at pool. It wasnât just that he was in no hurry to go home; there was something
else troubling him, and he needed the noise and smashed-crockery sounds of his own kind about him in order to concentrate his mind. There was, he felt, something very odd going on, and in some way he couldnât work out he was involved in it, indirectly and at several removes. Whatever it was, it remained shadowy and obscure, with the result that he was too preoccupied to notice that he had just beaten the Dragon King a fourth time; which is to pushing oneâs luck as closing oneâs eyes and taking both hands off the wheel is to motorway driving. Not very long afterwards, he was rescued in the nick of time by the bouncer and deposited outside among the dustbins, where he passed a quiet night dreaming of jacket potatoes.
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âWhatâs it like,â Jane demanded, âbeing a genie?â
They were digesting a leisurely picnic, a hundred feet or so up in the air directly above a spectacularly active volcano in the back