Desolate Read Online Free PDF Page B

could do it,” he smiled.
    Finally, I was able to take in who was in front of me. I knew it was one of his brothers’ because it would only be them, his parents’, grandparents and a couple of aunts and uncles here today. No one else would chance coming over except for him.
    Max.
    He was the jokester of the family. Always making sure everyone was happy. But ever since this tragedy had occurred, Max had been the rock we all needed while everyone else tried their best not to break down.
    After I finally felt strong enough to talk without the dam breaking free, I spoke.
    “Thank you for getting me out of that. I can’t take walking over there. I don’t know how I’m going to make it,” I confessed. I wanted to do this on my own. Yesterday, I’d convinced myself that I could, but it’d been a lie. There’s no way I was strong enough to make it through this. My only saving grace was that I didn’t have to see them laying in the caskets again. Another reason why I only wanted the graveside service.
    “We’ll do it together, okay? I need help getting through this day, too,” he said softly as he stared at the ground.
    I shook my head, motioning that I was ready to get out of the car. He held the umbrella over us both as we walked toward the tent where the service would be held. Or as ready as I ever would be. No one is ever ready to say goodbye. I’d always wish for one more second with them, but if it was granted, I’d want more. There’d never come a time that I wouldn’t long for the simple moments with them again.
    Max held my hand the entire time as we walked over to the chairs in front of the caskets, and he continued to hold my hand throughout the short ceremony. I’d heard the pastor’s voice and the soft cries coming from his mother, but the words never registered. The only object I could focus on were the caskets before me. The final resting places for the two people who were my world.
    When the ceremony concluded, I grabbed my phone from my pocket, needing to do one last thing before I said goodbye. I could feel Max’s stare boring into me as I frantically searched for what I was looking for. When I finally found the clip, I hit play and let myself feel the words of the music. Let myself remember how this beautiful, gut-wrenching song had brought us together. I couldn’t allow myself to remember that moment right now, but I could remember how I felt the moment that this amazing man was brought into my life. As I listened to my voice sing the lyrics to Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen, the reality of my situation hit me again full force. The song that brought us together and held such meaning would now also hold the memory of me saying goodbye to the two people who were my world.
    I hit stop when the song came to an end and managed to stand before anyone else and took a rose for each of them from one of the flower arrangements. I dropped the blood red flowers on top of each casket and put one hand on each one. Leaning down, I kissed the top of Andrew’s first, my lips lingering a little longer than they should have. “Until we meet again.” I knew I should walk away, but I couldn’t let them go. How did I let them go? I pressed my lips on Liam’s casket longer than necessary because I was never supposed to bury my baby. He was supposed to be the one burying me.
    “I’m so sorry, my sweet little boy,” I choked out between the sobs that escaped. I’d tried and failed to stay strong until I was in the confines of my home. A place where the sadness and the darkness threatened to swallow me whole.
    I felt Max’s hand touch my back and his other grab my arm, but I didn’t want the comfort. I wanted away from here. Away from the finality of my bleak situation.
    “No, Max. I need to get away from here,” I yelled firmer than I intended. Why couldn’t everyone understand that I didn’t want their help? That I just needed to be left alone. Just the way I deserved.
    The world was slowly closing in