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was supposed to be living my life with them, hearing my son’s laughter as his father chased him down the hallway right about now. Not putting them into the ground.
    I rested my head against the cold glass and contemplated never leaving this spot. Throughout the night, I had decided that living here would be too hard. I needed to go somewhere where no one knew me. Where I could live out my days alone and miserable. There was no happiness after their losses. I didn’t even want to try. I wanted to continue drowning in my grief so I’d never forget one detail about them. The moment I tried to move on would be the moment that they started to slip away, and they didn’t deserve that. They deserved to be remembered, and that’s what I’d set out to do. I was contacting the groundskeeper for my grandparents’ ranch after I got through the funeral. They’d left it to my parents’ when they passed away and my parents’ left it to me. It wasn’t but a forty-five-minute drive from here, but it was in the middle of nowhere. Near the top of the mountains where I wouldn’t have to worry about prying eyes. I could die alone. The way I was meant to.
    Reluctantly, I got up and went to get dressed. I slipped into the black dress that I planned on burning after today and grabbed my black flats from the bottom of my closet. The entire time I kept my head forward, refusing to look to my right. I couldn’t handle seeing any of his clothes. Not today. Not ever again. Someone else would have to get rid of them for me because there was no way I’d get through it.
    I finished fixing my hair and walked into the kitchen, stopping at the counter where the bottle of pills sat. It would be so easy to take one of those little white pills that would make me a zombie for the rest of the day. It was too tempting, but I refused to not feel any of the emotions that today would evoke. I deserved every ounce of this pain, and I wasn’t going to take anything that would suppress it or make getting through the day easier.
    The twenty-minute drive to the cemetery passed too quickly. I sat in front of the final resting place of my husband and son and looked around, but I couldn’t get myself to get out of the car. The panic attack came out of nowhere and my chest felt like it was going to explode, my heartbeat hammered inside my chest and the world around me became fuzzy. I started to gasp for air as my chest grew tighter from the reality of what was about to occur.
    I felt the air from the door opening, but I didn’t have the strength to turn my head. My head got fuzzier and fuzzier as the air left my body in quick bursts. Passing out would come next, and I welcomed it. Then I wouldn’t have to take part in today. I should’ve taken the pills, but then I couldn’t drive. Which meant I couldn’t make my escape.
    I had numerous missed calls the past couple of days from Andrew’s brothers’ and parents’, but I refused to answer them. I let them plan it all. The only thing I requested was a simple grave side service for family only. I couldn’t handle being around all of those people two days in a row.
    “Mags,” one of his brothers’ stated as he tried to break me out of the panic attack.
    When I didn’t respond, he turned me toward him and grabbed my face, making me focus on his face.
    “I know you can hear me, Mags. I need you to breath for me. Slow deep breaths or you’re going to pass out. Come on. You can do it. In through your nose and out through your mouth,” he coached.
    I tried, but it wasn’t helping. The panic getting higher and higher the more I thought about having to get out of this car and see their graves.
    “You’re getting there. Keep breathing just like that,” he continued as he rubbed his fingers against my cheeks.
    It was getting easier, but I didn’t want it to. That meant I’d have to face it all. I didn’t want to. I wanted to crawl in the hole right along with them.
    “There you go, Mags. I knew you