Death in Midsummer & Other Stories Read Online Free PDF Page B

insane in her pursuit of pleasure. There was something vengeful in this feeling that she must have pleasure.
    Not of course that she was tempted to be unfaithful to her husband. Wherever she went, she was with him or wanted to be. Her conscience dwelt rather on the dead. Back from some amusement, she would look at the sleeping face of Katsuo, who had been put to bed early by the maid, and as she thought of the two dead children she would be quite overcome with remorse.
    Indeed the pursuit of pleasure became a sure way to stir up a pang of conscience.
    Tomoko remarked suddenly that she wanted to take up sewing. This was not the first time Masaru had found it hard to follow the twists and jumps in a woman's thinking, 30

    Tomoko began her sewing. Her pursuit of pleasure became less strenuous. She quietly looked about her, meaning to become the complete family woman. She felt that she was
    'looking life square in the face'.
    There were clear traces of neglect in her reappraised surroundings. She felt as if she had come back from a long trip.
    She would spend a whole day washing and a whole day putting things in order. The middle-aged maid had all her work snatched away from her.
    Tomoko came on a pair of Kiyoo's shoes, and a little pair of light-blue felt slippers that had belonged to Keiko. Such relics would plunge her into meditation, and make her weep pleasant tears; but they all seemed tainted with bad luck. She telephoned a friend who was immersed in charities, and, feeling most elev-ated, gave everything to an orphanage, even clothes that might fit Katsuo.
    As she sat at her sewing machine, Katsuo accumulated a wardrobe. She thought of making herself some fashionable new hats, but she had no time for that. At the machine, she forgot her sorrows. The hum and the mechanical movements cut off that other erratic melody, her emotional ups and downs.
    Why had she not tried this mechanical cutting-off of the emotions earlier? But then of course it came at a time when her heart no longer put up the resistance it would once have. One day she pricked her finger, and a drop of blood oozed out. She was frightened. Pain was associated with death.
    But the fear was followed by a different emotion: if such a trivial accident should indeed bring death, that would be an answer to a prayer. She spent more and more time at the machine. It was the safest of machines, however. It did not even touch her.
    Even now, she was dissatisfied, waiting for something.
    Masaru would turn away from this vague seeking, and they would go for a whole day without speaking to each other.
    Winter approached. The tomb was ready, and the ashes were buried.
    In the loneliness of winter, one thinks longingly of summer.

    Memories of summer threw an even sharper shadow across their lives. And yet the memories had come to seem like something out of a storybook. There was no avoiding the fact that, around the winter fire, everything took on an air of fiction.
    In midwinter, there were signs that Tomoko was pregnant.
    For the first time, forgetfulness came as a natural right. Never before had they been quite so careful - it seemed strange that the child might be born safely, and only natural that they should lose it.
    Everything was going well. A line was drawn between than and old memories. Borrowing strength from the child she was carrying, Tomoko for the first time had the courage to admit the pain was gone. She had only to recognize that fact.
    Tomoko tried to understand. It is difficult to understand while an incident is before one's eyes, however. Understanding comes later. One analyses the emotions, and deduces, and explains to oneself. On looking back, Tomoko could not but feel dissatisfied with her inadequate emotions. There could be no doubt that the dissatisfaction would stay longer, a drag on her heart, than the sorrow itself. But there could be no going back for another try.
    She refused to admit any incorrectness in her responses. She was a mother. And at