Death by Pantyhose Read Online Free PDF Page A

a ghost of a
chance with him. Andrew was unquestionably
adorable in a corporate Brooks Brothers kind of
way. And I don't usually attract the Brooks Brothers type. (Shnooks Brothers is more my speed.)
    Much to my utter amazement, he'd asked me
out. But before we got a chance to get together,
he was transferred a quatrillion miles away to
Stuttgart, Germany. I was certain I'd heard the
last of him. And now here he was. Back in my
life!
    I snatched up the phone, my heart racing.
    "Andrew!"
    "Hey, Jaine. How are you?"
    "Um, fine," I said, wowing him with my witty
repartee. "How are things in Germany?"
    "Actually, I wouldn't know. I'm here in L.A."
    He was here in L.A.! I forced myself to take a
deep breath and calm down. I had to play it
cool.
    "Oh, my gosh!" I squealed. "That's fantastic!"
     
    That was playing it cool, all right. Any cooler
and he'd be scraping me off the ceiling.
    "Anyhow," he said, "I was wondering if you'd
like to get together."
    For all eternity, if possible.
    "I'd love to."
    "How about lunch tomorrow?"
    Lunch? I felt a momentary twinge of disappointment. I was hoping for something a bit more romantic. Like a candlelit dinner with wine and soft
music and an all-you-can-eat dessert bar. But what
the heck? Maybe he didn't want to rush things.
Hadn't I read a million times that the most enduring relationships start off slow?
    "Sure," I stammered. "Lunch would be fine."
    "Would you mind meeting me downtown?"
he asked. "I'm in the middle of a crazy project at
the bank, and I can't take much time off."
    "No problem."
    He named a trendy downtown restaurant and
we agreed to meet there at noon.
    "Oh, Prozac!" I screeched the minute I hung
up. "It was Andrew Ferguson! My potential significant other."
    I scooped her up in my arms and did a little
happy dance.
    She peered at me through slitted eyes.
    Wad a minute. I thought I was your significant
other. Moi!
    "Prozac, honey, you know I adore you, but I
was hoping some day to connect with someone
of my own species."
    She squirmed out of my arms and gave me a
reproachful look.
    Have you forgotten about your history with men?
    She had me there. The men in my life have been unquestionable duds, a series of losers
who'd make cupid consider a career in account-
iiia.
     
    Take my first and only husband, The Blob. A
charming guy who clipped his toenails in the
kitchen sink and watched ESPN during sex.
After four years of marriage to The Blob, I
thought I'd sworn off men forever, but then Andrew came along, and I decided to give the
hairy half of the population another chance.
    "Oh, Prozac. Don't you see? Andrew's different from all the others."
    She shot me a skeptical look.
    Just don't come crying to me when you get your
heart broken.
    Then she jumped off the bed and, tail held
high, stalked off to the living room.
    I'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight.
    "Oh, don't be that way."
    I tried luring her back to bed with kitty treats
and belly rubs, but she wouldn't budge.
    Normally I can't sleep without her warm body
purring next to mine, but that night was different. That night I drifted off to a deep sleep filled
with delicious dreams of me and Andrew and an
all-you-can-eat dessert bar.
     
YOU'VE GOT MAIL!
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: Good News
    Hi, darling-
    Keep your eye out for the UPS man. I sent you
the most adorable Georgie O. Armany shorts set
from the Shopping Channel, just $39.99 plus
shipping and handling. It's got sequined palm
trees all over it, perfect to wear on a date in L.A.
(Hint, hint.) I do hope you're going out,
sweetheart, and not sitting home with Paxil,
who's a precious kitty but not exactly the son-inlaw of my dreams.
    Good news here in Florida. Daddy's six-month
suspension from the Tampa Vistas clubhouse
will be up next week.
    Remember how they kicked him out for starting
a food fight at Sunday brunch? He claimed he
never threw that Belgian waffle at Ed Peters, that
it just slipped off