Death by Pantyhose Read Online Free PDF

his plate, but I don't see how a
waffle can "slip" three feet in the air clear across
a table. And everybody knew Daddy was mad at
Ed for beating him at miniature golf. It's true that
Ed was gloating about it all through brunch and I
guess Daddy just lost it and threw his waffle at
him. And then Ed threw his popover back at
Daddy. Which just escalated the whole thing until
Daddy wound up hurling that deviled egg. If only
it hadn't landed down Mrs. Stuyvesant's cleav age! She was one of our nicest social directors
ever. She handed in her resignation the very
next day, saying she couldn't put up with Daddy
anymore.
     
    I didn't blame the board of directors when they
suspended Daddy for six months. Of course, I
think they also should have suspended Ed Peters. But the board said that the food fight was
Ed's first offense, and Daddy had a list of infractions a mile long.
    Oh, well. It's all going to be over soon, thank
heavens! All Daddy has to do is sign a contract
promising to behave himself and his
membership will be reinstated.
    I've felt so guilty about leaving Daddy home
alone these last six months I've hardly gone to
the clubhouse at all. Both of us have been stuck
home trying to make the best of things. Somehow Bingo's not as much fun when you're playing with only two people. Anyhow, I can't wait to
get back in the swing of things.
    That's about it for now, honey. Keep your eye out
for the UPS man!
    Love and kisses from,
    Mom
    P.S. More good news: I finally got around to
cleaning out Daddy's closet and took two whole
shopping bags of his ratty old clothes to the thrift
shop!
     
    To: Jausten
    From: DaddyO
    Subject: Betrayed!
    Dear Lambchop-
    You won't believe what your mother did. Without
even consulting me, she gave away my priceless
vintage clothing! All of it perfectly wearable. Just
because something has a stain and maybe a few
holes doesn't mean it's no good anymore.
    What's especially galling is that she gave away
my lucky Hawaiian shirt. The one with the bright
orange hibiscuses on it. That shirt has brought
me good luck for the past twenty years. Why,
that's the shirt I was wearing when I saw Meryl
Streep at the car wash. And when I found a practically new pair of sneakers in the Blockbusters
parking lot. And when I guessed how many gumballs were in the jar at the Hop Li Chinese Barbeque Cafe and won free egg rolls for two!
    If your mom thinks she's going to get away with
this, she's crazy. I'm going to march her down to
the thrift shop right now and make her get my
clothes back-before some discerning buyer
snaps them up.
    Your betrayed,
    Daddy
     
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: Hit the Roof
    Daddy just about hit the roof when he found out I
gave away his old clothes. The way he's been
carrying on, you'd think I'd lost our life savings.
He insists on dragging me down to the thrift
shop to buy those silly rags back.
    Oh, dear. I've got to run. He's out in the car,
honking the horn.
    More later,
    Mom
    P.S. I don't care what Daddy says. He never saw
Meryl Streep at the car wash. Not unless Meryl
drives a beat-up pickup truck with a bumper
sticker that says: Beer. It's Not Just for Breakfast
Anymore.
    To: Jausten
    From: Shoptillyoudrop
    Subject: Humiliation!
    Well, we're back from the thrift shop and all I can
say is I've never been so embarrassed in all my
life. Daddy barged in, shouting, "My wife stole
my clothes!" I was so humiliated I wanted to hide
behind the used armoires.
    The thrift shop ladies were only too happy to
give him his awful rags back. I'm surprised they
accepted them in the first place.
     
    Finally, we were all set to go when Daddy realized he was missing his "lucky" Hawaiian shirt,
that orange monstrosity with gravy stains from
the Eisenhower administration. He calls it a
"classic." If by classic he means something that
will look ridiculous year after year, I suppose he's
right.
    It's hard to believe, but someone actually