did to me, he still doesn’t know my fucking name.
I stare blankly at him. “Carly, it’s Carly. Remember? Halloween. Remember? ” I don’t know where my attitude and strength is coming from, but I’m glad I’m not cowering away from him.
He stiffens a little bit, chuckles nervously, and says, “Yeah, uh, Carly. Right. Pussycat. Hot night. I’ll see you around.”
He winks and then saunters off, continuing the conversation with one of his buddies.
So I vomit. Not on myself, but in the nearest garbage can.
Fucking pink wine.
Fucking Todd.
I arrive at the clinic just as Becca is walking up. She runs up to me and hugs me. “This is going to be great, Car. Just great. You are going to get tested, get a clean bill of health, and we are all going to be fine. Just fine.” She is nervous.
I’m not sure if she is nervous for me, all of us, or herself. I can’t quite read her, so I say, “Yeah. I’m not so worried about you guys because you, Callie, and Manny are always so careful. But Todd. ICK. He probably sneezes Venereal disease.” I chuckle anxiously. I’m actually scared to death.
We walk in to find that Callie and Manny are already there.
Manny comes over to us and gives us each a kiss. “Ladies, I’m already done. Left my deposit. I’m late for Astronomy. Bye.” He flashes a tight smile and waves behind his back.
“OK,” I say. “Let’s do this.”
We walk into the waiting room, and Callie immediately goes behind the counter. Since she is interning here, she has already signed us in, and even completed most of our paperwork. Besides my social security number and my insurance ID, my paperwork is complete. I glance up at her with a questioning look.
“I got here really early. I’m trying to make it easy and painless for you honey.” She smiles, and I try to relax. Yes, she is making this easy. What’s not easy about getting your insides scraped with cold a speculum between your legs?
Right.
Easy.
I barely have time to fill my social security number in when another nurse comes out and calls my name. Callie and Becca look at each other nervously. “Good luck,” they say in unison. They both smile softly at me, and I quickly look away.
I follow the nurse into the exam room and listen to her instructions. “Take all of your clothes off and put on this gown. Lie on the table and wait for the Physician’s Assistant, Jean. She’ll be in shortly.”
I do as she says.
Jean, the PA, is punctual and comes in almost right away.
Yay me.
She has a clipboard with her and a pen with Mickey Mouse ears. Really.
This is certainly not a Disney moment.
The interrogation begins.
“When was your last period?”
“Last week, the twenty-second.”
“Are you sexually active?”
I pause. “Yes? I mean does one time count?”
“Of course. Have you had intercourse?”
“Yes,” I say quietly.
“Are you experiencing any discomfort?”
“No. I mean, not now.”
I am starting to get shaky at this point because I know where this is going.
“What do you mean, not now? Have you had painful intercourse?”
“Yes,” I whisper and a tear slides down my cheek.
PA Jean looks up, and her face softens. She frowns and asks, “Did something happen to you, Carly? Can you tell me about it?”
I’m silent for what seems like forever. She doesn’t budge. She only holds my stare longer.
“Yes. I had sex, um, that I didn’t want… ugh!”
At this point, PA Jean gingerly places her clipboard on the table next to her and sits down in the chair next to me. She keeps her hand on my ankle and says, “Carly, whatever you say is confidential. We protect your privacy no matter what. You can tell me what happened, when it happened, and let me try to help you.”
I tell her. Not everything. I didn’t tell her about the dozen Swedish Fish shots that I did and that I passed out immediately following the rape.
I did tell her that he forced himself on me, in me, and it hurt. A Lot. Burned.
I tell her