Dead Man's Cell Phone Read Online Free PDF Page B

very nice service.
It was Catholic so it wasn’t very personal—
I’m sorry—are you Catholic?
Oh, good—I mean—
    Â 
    DWIGHT
    (Whispering) Jean—come here . . .
    The voice on the phone offers Jean his condolences.
    JEAN
    (To Dwight) I’m on the phone!
    (To the phone) Yes, in-coming. Thank you, but if you want to offer condolences, the best thing would probably be to write to Hermia and Harriet Gottlieb.
    Their address is 111 Shank Avenue.
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    DWIGHT
    (No longer whispering) Jean!
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    JEAN
    (To Dwight) I’m on the phone!
    (To the phone) I don’t know anything about a living will—no—I’m sorry. I have to go.
    I hope you have a pleasant day in spite of the bad news.
    Good-bye.
    She hangs up.
    DWIGHT
    Who was that?

    Â 
    JEAN
    A business colleague.
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    DWIGHT
    I don’t think you want to get mixed up in that.
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    JEAN
    Oh, Dwight, I’ll be all right.
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    DWIGHT
    I forbid you to talk to Gordon’s colleagues.
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    JEAN
    You forbid me?
    Â 
    DWIGHT
    Get rid of the phone. Give it up. It’s bad luck.
    Â 
    JEAN
    It brought me to you, didn’t it?
    Â 
    DWIGHT
    It’s not good for you. Life is for the living. Me. You. Living. Life, life, life!
    The phone rings.
    If you answer that phone, Jean, if you answer that phone—
    Â 
    JEAN
    What?

    DWIGHT
    I will!—
    it will make me sad.
    Â 
    JEAN
    I have to answer it, Dwight.
    Sometimes it seems like you didn’t even love your own brother.
    She answers it. Dwight crumples.
    (To the phone) Hello?
Jean speaking.
(To Dwight) It’s Hermia.
She needs a ride home.

scene three
    Hermia and Jean
drinking cosmopolitans.
    Â 
    HERMIA
    Give me another. Don’t worry, I can drive home after all, Jean.
    Â 
    JEAN
    You think so?
    Â 
    HERMIA
    If I drive with my face. Haw haw haw! Oh, God, I sound like Gordon.
    Â 
    JEAN
    You must have a lot on your mind. Do you want to talk?

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    HERMIA
    Yes, in fact, I would. Lately I’ve been thinking of the last time I had sex with Gordon. Over the last ten years, when Gordon and I would have sex, I would pretend that I was someone else. I’ve heard that a lot of women, in order to come, pretend that their lover is someone else. Like a robber or Zorba the Greek or a rapist or something like that. Do you ever do that?
    Â 
    JEAN
    No.
    Â 
    HERMIA
    But you know what Jean? I pretended that I was someone else, and that Gordon was Gordon, but he was cheating on me with me— I was the other woman. And it would turn me on to know that Gordon’s wife—me—was in the next room, that I—the mistress—had to be quiet, so that I—the wife—wouldn’t hear me. You and I both know that Gordon had affairs.
    Â 
    JEAN
    Well—
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    HERMIA
    So the last time I had sex with Gordon I wish I could say that I wasn’t pretending. That he was really in me, and I was really in him. But I was pretending to be a co-worker of Gordon’s. He brought her to dinner once. That night, she was wearing a thong under a white pantsuit. (I never wear a thong. It’s like having a tampon in your asshole, don’t you think?) Anyway, that last time, I imagined myself in this white pantsuit, and his hands under my thong, ripping it off. I pictured what Gordon was seeing—and I picture me, looking back at Gordon. And there is more and
more desire, like two mirrors, facing each other—it’s amazing what the mind can do.
    Â 
    After I met you, I was convinced that you and Gordon were having an affair. So after dinner, I was—you know—and I pretended to be you—and it worked. Isn’t that a riot?
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    JEAN
    That’s—um—
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    HERMIA
    I wouldn’t normally tell you that but I’ve had a lot to drink at this point.
    Â 
    JEAN
    You should know that I didn’t have a sexual relationship with your husband.
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    HERMIA
    Then why do you have his fucking phone?
    Â 
    JEAN
    I was