Dead Drunk: Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse... One Beer at a Time Read Online Free PDF

of the group balked at downing the harsh stuff and Big Rob graciously
volunteered to put them away. He was hitting full throttle four shots later.
    Someone began singing badly, and it became clear why Blake
insisted on this bar. Charlie sighed. “You couldn’t find something better to do
than karaoke?”
    “The blowjob factory was
booked,” Blake said with a chuckle. The truth was he worked for a South Korean
firm and spent countless hours sucking up to his boss in karaoke joints. It
didn’t translate to being good at it, though.
    Annoyed, Charlie went back to searching the bar and spotted
a cute woman a few tables over. He made eye contact and surprisingly, she
smiled back. So Charlie steeled his nerves and rose to make a move. This was a
big step for him.
    “Oh shit, I forgot to tell you something,” Jim said and
dragged Charlie back into his seat. “You’re gonna want to hear this.”
    “What?” Charlie was clearly annoyed.
    “My parents called and said Craig Baxter got busted for
trying to suck off an undercover cop for some crack.”
    “Serves him right, that guy was the biggest asshole in high
school,” Charlie said as two guys with popped collars and heavily-gelled hair
approached the comely woman.
    “Yeah, he was a tool. Guy had everything handed to him and
look where he is now. Karma’s a bitch.”
    “Total silver spoon.” Charlie said, barely listening as he
spied on the situation a few tables over. Sure enough, the pretty-boys flagged
a librarian down for shots. Game over.
    “It’s even worse than when he was bench pressing at soccer
practice and shit his pants. Remember that?”
    Charlie turned back to his friend, resigned at blowing
another chance. “No, that was Left-Nut. I was the one spotting him.”
    At that point an emcee spoke into his microphone. “Set down
those books and put your hands together for our next singer, Blake! He’s hung
like Bigfoot and celebrating his bachelor party tonight, so single ladies take
note. This is your last chance to sample this prime beefcake.”
    “You paid that guy twenty bucks, didn’t you?” Charlie asked
and chuckled.
    “Sure as hell did,” Blake
said with a wink as he stood up and raised his fists in glory. “Watch the
panties fly,” he added while sauntering towards the stage like an 80’s rock
star.
    The pompous investor grabbed the mic as the music kicked in. Da da da, da da da da, da da da, da da da da . Blake nodded to the beat for a moment and then jumped into the
song full tilt, giving one of the worst renditions of “Ice Ice Baby” ever known
to man. His improvised dance moves were even worse.
    “He looks like Frankenstein with cerebral palsy and a broom
up his ass,” Smokey said, stoned out of his mind. Even Blake’s brown-nosing
work friends couldn’t take it, and several catcalls came in from the audience.
    Blake finished the song a few painful minutes later and came
back with his head held high and a huge smile plastered on his face. “Nailed
it.”
    “Actually, that was shit,” Left-Nut said. “And for the
record, no panties reached the stage.”
    “Oh, come on. I saw a lot of people cheering out there.”
    “Those were boos.”
    Blake ignored reality and ordered his lackey Cliff to buy
yet another round of shots. Big Rob took charge of the surplus once again.
    Meanwhile, Charlie was
broke and hadn’t even talked to a female yet. Guessing the last stop would be a
strip club, the night appeared to be a failure. “I might as well go on
auto-pilot and see what happens,” he said and snagged the last shot before Rob
could pour it down his cavern of a mouth.
    Left-Nut raised his beer in a toast. “That’s the spirit. You
can go pig-fishing with me.”
    Charlie wasn’t about to
start looking for fat chicks, so he settled back in with Jim and started
mooching beer. As though he were experiencing drunken time travel, the night
seemed to speed up and soon it was time for the next bar.
    When Charlie stood, someone began