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prosecutor a ‘dork’ and sniggering?
    And why stop at recreating the Jackson trial? Perhaps next time Sky are doing a report on something Tony Blair’s said, the screen could go all wobbly and slowly fade into a claymation Numskulk- style sequence set inside his head, in which polarised elements of his conscience (played by boggle-eyed plasticine sheep) debate the consequences of his actions?
    They could liven up their Iraq coverage by dubbing Eye of the Tiger over the top and dropping in random sequences from Saving Private Ryan . Or use complex CGI technology to show the Pope having an out-of-body chinwag with God while laid up in hospital, with the words ‘IMPROBABLE RECONSTRUCTION’ flashing across the bottom in bright red letters.
    Fuck it, they might as well. Let’s face it, they’ve pissed their integrity up the wall already.
    — In retrospect, that’s a bit harsh. Sky News is gaudy and hysterical on occasion, but it’s a damn sight better than ITV News has become .

Colours and shapes
    [12 March 2005]
    B rilliant. In case we haven’t all got enough to worry about what with bird flu, terrorism, global warming, food scares, neo-conservatives, corporate megalomania, MRSA, phone tumours, asteroids, nuclear stockpiles, crime, plane, train and car crashes, depression, madness, ageing, anguish, Aids and G4’s debut album going straight to number one…the BBC considerately toss another chunk of doom on the pile in the form of Supervolcano (BBC1), designed to strike terror into the hearts of everyone who watches it.
    We’re all going to die, apparently, because a huge glob of magma beneath Yellowstone Park could erupt at any moment. Sorry, ‘supererupt’—causing widespread death and destruction as the gases and ash turn the world into a freezing, desolate, scarcely inhabitable hellball. Imagine a worldwide version of Doncaster. Yes, the situation’s that bleak.
    If you watch the ‘drama’ version of the show, that is. There’s an accompanying documentary: Supervolcano: The Truth About Yellowstone (BBC2), which also does its best to scare you, but has to begrudgingly stick to the facts by pointing out, reluctantly, that although a supereruption will certainly happen ‘some time in the future’, it could occur ‘at any point in the next 100,000 years’. In other words, it’s just as likely to happen in the year 102005 as it is tomorrow. Phew.
    Not that this stops the ‘drama’ version of the show making merry with the concept, presenting it as a cross between an episode of 24 and The Day after Tomorrow .
    Why are they doing this? It’s not like we can campaign to have volcanoes outlawed. If the BBC just wants to scare everyone, they could simply broadcast a nightly show called ‘Boo!’, consisting of two hours of blank, silent blackness, punctuated at random, infrequent intervals by a scary ghost face shrieking at the top of its voice. It’d have a similar effect, and at least we wouldn’t think our lives were in danger.
    Anyway, breakfast TV now: and Five’s Milkshake! , a collection of shows aimed at toddlers, which I’ve just decided is the best option for anyone unlucky enough to be conscious at that time of day.
    First thing in the morning most people have a mental age of three, which is why pre-school programming makes so much sense. Colours and shapes accompanied by basic descriptions of the alphabet is pretty much all the human mind can take at that time of day.
    But that’s not the only reason to tune in: the shows on offer are the most imaginative, lovingly crafted pieces of television you’ll find at that time of day. Either that, or I’m easily impressed at 7 AM .
    This morning, for instance, I hugely enjoyed Hi-5 , an Australian import which starts off looking like the single worst idea ever—essentially Play School hosted by a fresh-faced pop group in the Steps mould—but wins you over well before the end with a mixture of spirited performances and genuinely catchy