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I’d catch the surgeon on an off day and spend the rest of my life sneezing through my tear ducts and blinking through my arse.
    In summary: Ten Years Younger is an irresponsible piece-of-shit show that plays on universal fears and snidely offers corrective surgery as the only solution—as opposed to, say, NOT JUDGING PEOPLE BY THEIR LOOKS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
    And please, please don’t carp on about how great the participants feel at the end of the show, as though that’s some justification. There’s got to be something seriously wrong with a society that can’t let people age naturally without pointing at their saggy bits and laughing. If this programme had its way, we’d be walking around with identikit baubles for heads. What in God’s name happened to character?

Jacko
    [5 March 2005]
    S omeone’s probably told you already. They’ve emailed, texted, phoned, or simply run up to you in the street, flapping their arms around and shrieking ‘Jesus CHRIST—have you seen the Michael Jackson Trial Reconstructions on Sky News yet?’
    I urge you to tune in today at 7 PM for the weekly catch-up. Because holy mackerel: this is either brilliant, or the most ominous paradigm shift for humankind since the creation of the downloadable ringtone chart.
    No idea what I’m gabbling about? It’s simple: in the absence of dedicated camera coverage of the Jackson child molestation trial, Sky have decided to ditch the traditional charcoal court sketches of old (which have a tendency to turn judicial proceedings into a stark graphic novel), in favour of a full-colour day-by-day reconstruction of events using actors.
    The end result is a truly spine-chilling cross between a daytime soap, an episode of Judge Judy , and a Dead Ringers Christmas special. If there weren’t so many references to child molestation, they could run it with a laughter track and have an underground comedy hit on their hands.
    The cast, who are uniformly rubbish, are made up as lookalikes, with Jacko himself being particularly impressive. Where did they find the actor responsible? More to the point, is that his real nose? Did he undergo surgery to land the role? Was he born that way? Or maybe he lost his original nose in an accident, so the make-up artist seized the opportunity to plop a Jackson-like triangular conk in the middle of his face?
    His wig’s not bad either—a bit Planet of the Apes , maybe, but a good effort. His defence attorney’s hair is even better: a brilliant snow-white helmet that makes him look like Geppetto from Disney’s version of Pinocchio . I can’t wait for Liz Taylor to show up. Who’s going to play her? Matt Lucas?
    Sky are showing the reconstructions as stand-alone ‘specials’, but since they’re also interweaving them with their actual news coverage of the trial, you’re treated to the baffling spectacle of the real-life participants walking toward the courtroom (shot by the news crew), interspersed with the hammy lookalikes delivering lines inside the building. It’s a bit like watching Plan 9 from Outer Space , the Ed Wood movie in which Bela Lugosi died halfway through filming and was hastily replaced by a stand-in for half his scenes. At the time of writing, Sky are running a phone-in poll asking viewers whether Jackson can ever truly receive a fair trial. So far, the viewers reckon the answer is ‘no’, but I’m confused. Are they talking about the real Jackson, or the pretend one? What if one gets off and the other doesn’t? Can that happen? I reckon it might. And then he’ll probably moonwalk home.
    Still, having taken an exciting leap into the unknown, here’s hoping Sky go the whole hog. For week two, why don’t they resurrect the Spitting Image puppets and re-enact the trial with them? Or illustrate some of the grittier incidents with animated manga-style flashbacks, like in Kill BUR How about cutting away at random intervals to show Beavis and Butthead watching the trial at home, calling the