Dash & Lily's Book of Dares Read Online Free PDF

going to be a major meltdown on floor five.”
    Super-tan Barney Rubble actually put his finger on his temple to help him think.
    “I might remember her,” he said. “I’ll go look under those pillows if you want to look under these. Just please be careful to put the pillows back in their place and avoid mussing the sheets.”
    “Oh, I will!” I assured him.
    I decided if I were ever to get into booze and women, my line would be Excuse me, madam, but I would really love to bed and muss you.… Are you perchance free this evening?
    Now, at the risk of saying something legally actionable, I have to remark: It was amazing the things I found underneath the pillows at Macy’s. Half-eaten candy bars. Baby chew toys. Business cards. There was one thing that could have been either a dead jellyfish or a condom, but I pulled my fingers back before I found out for sure. Poor Barney actually let out a little scream when he found a decomposed rodent; it was only after he ran away for a quick burial and thorough disinfecting that I found the slip of paper I was looking for.
7. I dare you to ask Santa for your next message .
    No. No fucking no no no.
    If I hadn’t appreciated her sadism, I would’ve headed straight for the hills.
    But instead, I headed straight for Santa.
    It wasn’t as easy as that, though. I got down to the main floor and Santa’s Wonderland, and the line was at least ten classrooms long. Children lolled and fidgeted while parents talked on cell phones or fussed with strollers or teetered like the living dead.
    Luckily, I always travel with a book, just in case I have to wait on line for Santa, or some such inconvenience. More than a few of the parents—especially the dads—gave me strange looks. I could see them doing the mental math—I was way too old to believe in Santa, but I was too young to be after their children. So I was safe, if suspicious.
    It took me forty-five minutes to get to the front of the line. Kids were whipping out lists and cookies and digital cameras, while I just had Vile Bodies . Finally, it was my turn. I saw the girl in front of me wrapping up, and I started to move forward.
    “One second!” a dictatorial rasp commanded.
    I looked down to find the least satisfying cliché in Christmas history: a power-mad elf.
    “HOW OLD ARE YOU?” he barked.
    “Thirteen,” I lied.
    His eyes were as pointy as his stupid green hat.
    “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice not sorry at all, “but twelve is the limit.”
    “I promise I won’t take long,” I said.
    “TWELVE IS THE LIMIT!”
    The girl had finished her stint with Santa. It was my turn. By all rights, it was my turn.
    “I just have to ask Santa one thing,” I said. “That’s all.”
    The elf body-blocked me. “Get out of the line now,” he demanded.
    “Make me,” I replied.
    The whole line was paying attention now. Kids’ eyes were wide with fear. Most of the dads and some of the moms were getting ready to jump me if I tried anything.
    “I need security,” the elf said, but I couldn’t tell who he was talking to.
    I walked forward, knocking his shoulder with my thigh. I was almost at Santa when I felt a tug on my ass—the elf had grabbed the back pocket of my jeans and was trying to pull me back.
    “Get. Off. Of. Me,” I said, kicking back.
    “You’re NAUGHTY!” the elf screamed. “Very NAUGHTY!”
    We’d caught Santa’s attention. He gave me the once-over, then chuckled out, “Ho ho ho! What seems to be the problem?”
    “Lily sent me,” I said.
    From somewhere behind the beard, he figured it out. Meanwhile, the elf was about to pull down my pants.
    “Ho! Ho! Ho! Get off of him, Desmond!”
    The elf let go.
    “I’m calling security,” he insisted.
    “If you do,” Santa murmured, “you’ll be back to folding hand towels so fast you won’t even have time to take the bells off your boots or your balls out of your elfy boxer briefs.”
    It was a very good thing that the elf wasn’t packing any of his