and kick the fake pilot to the curb where he belongs.”
“So how did you deal with all this after the cat came out of the bag?” Devin asks the question while grabbing my hand for comfort. “Pardon, Leonardo DiCaprio, for the pun,” he adds when my cat jumps in his lap.
“Once I got rid of the batshit crazy couple, I performed an exorcism in my home and bleached the place from top to bottom.”
“Oh,” my three friends let out in unison, horrified.
“Calm down. I’ve been good. I didn’t go completely nuts.” I’ve replaced the need to manage my emotions with copious amounts of calorie-rich foods with manic cleaning when life throws me a curve ball. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not opposed to polishing off a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream in one sitting, but I promised my grandmother on her death I’d take better care of myself and I wouldn’t continue to allow the sudden death of my parents to eat at me. “I needed to wash Vince out of my life. The embarrassment of knowing I had become someone’s mistress was too much to handle on a Saturday morning—I needed cleaning therapy to calm my nerves.”
“As long as you haven’t gone overboard, then I can rest assured.” Devin is the oldest amongst us. He’s thirty-one, but he’s so protective, you’d think he was our guardian angel.
“At least you didn’t end up in a twelve-month relationship before finding out how much of a jerk he is,” Amelia snarls. She is more determined than I am to hold a grudge against my ex-boyfriend George Kazan.
George took over his father’s restaurant dynasty. He liked to blame his Greek roots for being big-boned instead of ’fessing up to the fact he loves food too much. We hooked up on an online site and after six months of dating, I moved in with him. My cousin Trish had moved to LA, and her mother couldn’t bear to remain in New York after losing her sister, so she moved to Maine to grieve. My father’s mother was the only relative left in the Big Apple, so when George proclaimed he saw a future between the two of us, I jumped at the opportunity to create a new family unit.
Dating a man who had unlimited access to food while I was still coming to terms with my devastating loss was possibly the worst decision of my life.
“Vince’s saga has nothing to do with George. Vince was a cheat. George, on the other hand, was a pig who put me down every chance he had because of my weight when he tipped the scale at two hundred thirty-nine pounds himself. The fact he dumped my ass for another plus-size woman is proof he was a bully. And he was verbally abusive. Every time we were at a function, I was nervous to even approach the food table for fear he’d make a remark about how I should select lighter choices or stay away from the desserts. I was too insecure to see the writing on the wall and I was afraid to leave him because I had convinced myself it wouldn’t ever get better for me. It’s my own damn fault because George was no prize stallion. Not to mention he had a small dick,” I spit out.
We all laugh and my comical moment lightens the mood for a few minutes.
“Yeah, you did constantly complain about George’s ‘manhood.’” We’re all roaring now. Devin has always mocked the names some heterosexual women call certain body parts, citing that in the gay world, a dick is a dick and a pussy is just that.
“Hon, didn’t you grow suspicious when Vince, the so-called pilot, could never stay at your place for longer than a few hours on Saturday mornings? And he always had a last-minute flight during the week whenever you tried to connect with him?”
“Devin, I was willing to turn a blind eye hoping my grocery market hookup would turn out to be something more. I was dying for attention because I was tired of being lonely. I know I sound desperate, but I’ve been single since George left me. I was willing to ignore the warning signs for a bit of affection. I’m pretty