Cure for the Common Universe Read Online Free PDF Page B

direction—“ you .”
    â€œMe?” I said, touching my chest.
    â€œYou got it.”
    So Video Horizons had gamified addiction therapy. It wasn’t a terrible idea . . . so long as I didn’t have to do it.
    G-man reached into a drawer and took out a scrolled-up piece of paper printed and cut to look like ancient parchment. He quickly scribbled something at the top and then slid it across the desk. Below “ Miles Prower ” written in shitty cursive were five columns labeled with pictures of a brain, a ball, a paintbrush, a sandwich, and a smiley face.
    â€œWe have all kinds of classes and activities here at Video Horizons,” he said. “Music, racing, martial arts, cooking, and many, many more that I don’t want to spoil for you. . . . Spoiler alert!”
    â€œHa!” I said, even though he had somehow, impossibly, misused that phrase.
    â€œFor every real-life skill you pick up within these walls, your teachers or guild leader will stamp your scroll with a certain number of experience points.” He pointed to the stamps on his desk, each with a different number on its handle. “A thousand points for eating a healthy meal, two thousand points for painting a picture of a pretty sunset, ten thousand points for playing a whole song on a guitar. You’ll also receive points for laundry, food prep, doing the dishes, stuff like that.”
    â€œI actually do all my own cooking and cleaning at home,” I said.
    â€œExcellent,” G-man said.
    I didn’t tell him it strictly involved Hot Pockets and paper towels.
    â€œYou may think it’s strange that we’re substituting one game for another,” he continued, “but if our point system gets you addicted to running and cleaning dishes instead of playing games, so be it. Once you’ve earned enough points to sufficiently ‘level up’ ”—he actually did air finger quotes—“you’re free to go home. Any questions?”
    I dreaded the answer to my first question. But I had to know. What was my Bowser? What was my Deathwing? What Video Horizons final boss did I have to defeat to get back to my date?
    â€œHow many experience points do I need to . . . level up?”
    G-man gave a sly smile. “One million, of course.”
    My shoulders must have deflated, because he put up his hands defensively. “I know that sounds like a lot. But think of all the skills you’ll pick up. Think of all the people you’ll impress back home. We believe the life lessons you learn here at Video Horizons will give you a much richer life in the real world. I mean, how many dates will the highest Pac-Man score get you, right?”
    I tried to smile but felt my eye twitch. This was too much. I’d already scored a date without this place and its stupid experience points.
    â€œAnd, uh,” I said, dreading another answer, “how long does it take the average player to earn a million points?”
    â€œLet’s see . . .” G-man tapped his desk and considered the ceiling. “The fastest player did it in just two weeks. But she was a former Olympic athlete, so she killed in our tournaments.”
    My skin went cold at the word. I was certain these were not the kind of tournaments I’d be good at.
    G-man teetered his open hand in the air. “But I’d say it takes your average player about four weeks.”
    Four weeks ? I imagined all the suitors Serena would charm between now and then. Suitors better suited than me.
    This was it. It was time to close the sale. I had to convince G-man that I was so well adjusted he should let me go right then. There had to be a series of things I could say, a specific path through our dialogue tree that would get me out of this.
    â€œHave you ever locked up someone who didn’t belong here?” I said. “Someone who had a dad who just wanted to get rid of his kid so