Crazy Little Thing Read Online Free PDF Page B

up.
Ollie had an armful of snacks and vitamin waters. Oscar jumped in the van and
panted happily.
    Claire took her Dragonfruit vitamin water out of
Ollie’s hand and opened it. “What’s a tock? Or should I ask?”
    “You know, his buttocks.”
    “I have a right tock and a left tock. Together they
are my butt-tocks,” G-Ray said.
    “That makes sense in a really weird sort of way,”
Claire said. She took a sip.
    G-Ray leaped off the roof of the van. “I need a
me-moment,” he said. He executed a weird walk – shuffle, shuffle, hop ,
shuffle, shuffle, hop - toward a picnic table that was situated on the
far side of the parking lot.
    “What’s he doing?” Claire asked, watching him try to
walk while holding his butt in both hands. “It looks like he has his butt
clenched while he’s skipping.”
    “That’s pretty much what he’s doing,” Ollie said
with a sigh. She opened the passenger door and unloaded the snacks into the
seat, saying, “I guess it’s time to fill you in on G-Ray’s story.”
    “His story? He has a story?”
    Ollie nodded. “He was abducted by aliens. They kept
him for a while, studying him and stuff. Ever since he got back, he’s had these
weird tingling sensations in his buttocks. His ass is like a divining rod. It
tells him what to do, where to go, what’s going to happen.”
    “His butt is clairvoyant?”
    “You could say that,” Ollie said.
    Claire looked back over at G-Ray. He was now
standing on top of the picnic table. He was bent over at the waist and aiming
his butt in different directions. His eyes were squished shut and he had his
index fingers plugged into his ears. He must get better reception that way,
Claire thought.
    G-Ray began to shuffle his feet like a chicken
scratching in the dirt.
    “What’s he doing right now?” Claire asked.
     “His ass is pretty good at predicting the weather,
too,” Ollie said. “Looks to me like there’s a storm on the way.”
    Suddenly, G-Ray unplugged his ears and stood ramrod
straight. He cupped his hands around his mouth like a megaphone and shouted,
“Grassy Knoll! The tocks have spoken! We must go to the Grassy Knoll!”
    “Grassy knoll?” Claire whispered.
    Ollie smiled. “Looks like we’re going to be making a
pit stop in Dallas.” She opened a bag and offered it to Claire. “Care for a
pork rind?”
     

G-Ray Speaks
     
    G-Ray’s right nostril filled the camera’s lens.
After a moment of showing the long, dark tunnel of his nose, G-Ray backed up
and his entire face filled the screen. He stared into the camera a full ten
seconds before speaking.
    “My name is G-Ray. People think my name has
something to do with aliens or laser guns or something. It doesn’t. Ollie gave
me the nickname when we were kids, man. My real name is Gordon Raymond, but
that sucked for a skater dood, so she changed it to G-Ray.”
    He scratched his chin for a moment, thinking hard,then continued, “I wasn’t going to do this. Like, be
in my own movie? But it has become what you may call ‘apparent’ that I need to
fill the audience in on my back-story. So here goes: I am what most people
refer to as a conspiracy theorist. I totally scoff at that label, man. I am not
a theorist. I am a trueist. I have seen the truth. My Great Awakening happened
on a Sunday. I was alone on the beach, man. And, like, this little gray dood
walks up to me. He looked like a Keebler Elf but without the cookies. He smiled
at me and said something in, like, a foreign language. It was all squeaks and
creaks and clicks and clacks. I was more curious than scared. He picked up this
conch shell and clicked and clacked into it. This big blue spaceship rose up
out of the water and the little Keebler dood took my hand and we walked on
water out to it. On top of the friggin’ water, man! And inside the mother ship
was this whole tribe of the little elves. They weren’t wearing clothes or
nothing, man, but they didn’t have any genitals. At least not in the