back the feeling.
Every morning I had been feeling like this —
My body went cold all
over, as though I took a dive into a pool full of ice water. Every morning I
had been sick. My heart pounded. It couldn’t be…I had tried and been so
careful. I leaned forward to the driver.
“Can we stop a
pharmacy? I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, ma’am.” He
replied, nodding his head.
I leaned back against
the seat with my eyes closed, picturing all the times Bradley and I had had
sex. It couldn’t be. I had taken my pill every day. It’s not always 100
percent. And weren’t you late taking it a couple of times? The voice in my head
said, refusing to shut up.
The driver pulled into
a pharmacy and I pulled a hat I had grabbed over my head tightly and slid on
sunglasses. I walked into the pharmacy, hoping against hope that I wouldn’t be
discovered. The rows of pregnancy tests floated in front of my eyes, seemingly
blurring together. I grabbed one, paid for it and hopped back in the limo. Fall
was ending and the air had a bite to it as winter was coming in. I should have
brought a jacket. I slid into the limo, shoving the test into my purse.
When I stepped back
into Bradley’s foyer, I hoped against hope he was still asleep. He mentioned he
was planning on sleeping in for once. I stepped inside the living room but no
one was there. Sunlight flooded into the living room, illuminating it better than
I had seen last night. There were some magazines thrown about and a book or
two, both with bookmarks shoved in them, as if he had forgotten to finish them.
I peeked down the hallway but the door was still shut and I could hear Bradley
faintly snoring.
I shut the bathroom
door behind me. It was the one in the hallway and looked as though it hadn’t
been touched in forever. It was clean, looking utterly spotless but impersonal
as well. I opened up the pregnancy kit, sitting down on the toilet, hoping that
maybe I just felt sick due to stress.
Then I waited, pacing
back and forth across the marble flooring in the bathroom, which made it
freezing. I ended up pacing the bath mat instead, avoiding the cold floor.
Sunlight made its way through the frosted window.
I tried to think
through what I was going to do if it came back that I was pregnant. I’d have to
tell Bradley. How would he take it? Winter had said that he hadn’t wanted kids.
What if he thought I had done it on purpose? Maybe I shouldn’t tell him at all.
I should leave. I’d have to find another job to raise two kids but I could do
it. I could do it on my own. I’d get my real estate license, I thought wildly,
that’ll do it. I can go back to selling houses, figure it out on my own.
I thought of Bradley’s
face when I uttered the words “I’m pregnant”. I could imagine his face falling
and him offering to pay child support but I would have to leave.
What did it say about
me that I thought he would do that? Did I truly know him if I was sitting here
thinking like this? If I truly thought that he would leave like that and want
no part of me? I felt a headache coming on.
Gathering my breath, I
walked over to the counter and peered over the stick.
It was positive. I was
pregnant.
Chapter 6
I sat in the bathroom a
long time, just staring at the stick, unsure of what my next move would be.
There was no way around the fact that I was pregnant. It was funny how this
stick changed my life so completely. I had to re-think everything now. What I was
going to do next.
I decided I had to tell
Bradley. That was my first major decision, sitting on the rim of the tub,
staring at the stick. There was no way around that. I had tossed around not
telling him anything but I decided if his reaction was not what I wanted it to
be — if he blamed me or shunned me — than he was not a man that should be in my
life. It took two to do the dance we had done multiple times. Not just me.
After I made that
choice, I calmed down just a little. His reaction would pave the